Smack the Pony

The Irish Government announced today that it is to
introduce a ban on smacking in public,long before similar
legislation is due before the courts in the European Union.
Hoping to fend off objections from self-interested parties,
Minister for Children,Maurice Munchken said ,

"Ireland will lead the World by showing enlightenment in
all aspects of childcare.We have 500 million Euro left-over
in E.U. funding and by God,we're not sending it back,we've
already gotten through 18 million coming up with our new
slogan,it is, "Spare the Rod ".

"And spoil the child." Said Iggy Brown of of the Hospitality
Confederation,adding,

"This will surely bring about the collapse of our failing
tourism industry,if the French,German and British tourists
can't bate their children in Ireland,they'll go elsewhere to
do it.These people have a culture of Smacking and they
expect to be able to do it when they are abroad."

Bill Byrne from the Drinks Council added his disgust that
they had not been consulted and hoped that Restaurants and
Pubs would be allowed introduce seperate smacking areas
for their customers.He also said,

"It will be intolerable if children are able to run riot in our
premises without the fear of getting a good wallop from a
parent to put manners on them,its bad enough that we're
not allowed to clatter them,as it is.

Travellers Rights associations are also up in arms over the
proposed legislation saying its yet another assault on their
ancient traditions.Spokesman Mikey Connors said,

"Theres not a man among ye that'll stop me batin' me
childer if I've a mind to,I meself was bet crooked as a chap,
and divil the bit of harm it did me.How is a young lad going
to learn to bate his missus when hes fifteen if he doesn't
get a good hiding when he is young to show him how to do it
properly ?"

In a bizarre twist to this story,two young boys were arrested
in Fairview Park,Dublin,for causing unnessarary cruelty to
themselves.The boys had been spotted by an off-duty Garda
smacking themselves on the rump while engaged in a game
of Cowboys and Indians.Sgt.O'Shea,who is on unpaid leave at
the moment said,

"I observed the culprits give themselves several hefty whacks
to their behinds with their open hands,all the while urging
themselves to giddy-up."Rolling his neck in discomfort,the Sgt.
added,

"Although the new law isn't on the books yet,we have enough to
charge them with under the Offences against the person act and
the current Cruelty to Children laws."

When I asked why he was on leave and had he nothing better to
do,Sgt.O'Shea told me to Fuck off.