Monday, January 30, 2006

Smack the Pony

The Irish Government announced today that it is to
introduce a ban on smacking in public,long before similar
legislation is due before the courts in the European Union.
Hoping to fend off objections from self-interested parties,
Minister for Children,Maurice Munchken said ,

"Ireland will lead the World by showing enlightenment in
all aspects of childcare.We have 500 million Euro left-over
in E.U. funding and by God,we're not sending it back,we've
already gotten through 18 million coming up with our new
slogan,it is, "Spare the Rod ".

"And spoil the child." Said Iggy Brown of of the Hospitality
Confederation,adding,

"This will surely bring about the collapse of our failing
tourism industry,if the French,German and British tourists
can't bate their children in Ireland,they'll go elsewhere to
do it.These people have a culture of Smacking and they
expect to be able to do it when they are abroad."

Bill Byrne from the Drinks Council added his disgust that
they had not been consulted and hoped that Restaurants and
Pubs would be allowed introduce seperate smacking areas
for their customers.He also said,

"It will be intolerable if children are able to run riot in our
premises without the fear of getting a good wallop from a
parent to put manners on them,its bad enough that we're
not allowed to clatter them,as it is.

Travellers Rights associations are also up in arms over the
proposed legislation saying its yet another assault on their
ancient traditions.Spokesman Mikey Connors said,

"Theres not a man among ye that'll stop me batin' me
childer if I've a mind to,I meself was bet crooked as a chap,
and divil the bit of harm it did me.How is a young lad going
to learn to bate his missus when hes fifteen if he doesn't
get a good hiding when he is young to show him how to do it
properly ?"

In a bizarre twist to this story,two young boys were arrested
in Fairview Park,Dublin,for causing unnessarary cruelty to
themselves.The boys had been spotted by an off-duty Garda
smacking themselves on the rump while engaged in a game
of Cowboys and Indians.Sgt.O'Shea,who is on unpaid leave at
the moment said,

"I observed the culprits give themselves several hefty whacks
to their behinds with their open hands,all the while urging
themselves to giddy-up."Rolling his neck in discomfort,the Sgt.
added,

"Although the new law isn't on the books yet,we have enough to
charge them with under the Offences against the person act and
the current Cruelty to Children laws."

When I asked why he was on leave and had he nothing better to
do,Sgt.O'Shea told me to Fuck off.

16 comments:

Kim Ayres said...

Excellent.

Foot Eater said...

Does the Drinks Council really exist? It sounds too funny to be made up.

SheBah said...

Great stuff, twenty - what about Mally, is he on leave or has he left the force?

the anti-barney said...

Hack,splutter,fume,S.B.,W.T.F. do you mean,Twenty?
Thanks Kim.

F.E. are any of us real ?,Billy Byrne certainly is,and couldn't be made up.

fatmammycat said...

Why is SB calling you Twenty? Anyway there is a drinks council. Barney I have written in my blog about something you will probably appreciate.

SexyBeauty said...

Jeez, sorry Anti-B - too much booze last night, brain not in gear! Your blog is mucho, mucho better! Kisses! Forgive me?

Dr Maroon said...

Twice in three days you have managed to wring a laugh from my torn grumpy face.

The first was "Plastic is a cunt."
Not that I agree or disagree with the sentiment, it was just the suddenness of it when the page opened, And the other was the last line of today's.

n.b. I do smile and snigger and stuff, but a laugh's better.

Dr Maroon said...

The above is a compliment that doesn't read right.

I love these blogs, i'm addicted to them, they cheer me, i sit there saying, he's right, or that's very good, wish i'd thought of that,(separate smacking areas), I snort and snigger and chuckle away, oblivious to those around me who are wondering whats so fucking funny, BUT sometimes I involanterily LAUGH OUT LOUD. Thats what i meant.

I'm going to make a list.

Dr Maroon said...

It's still not right.

Part of my job is removing ambiguity from documents and yet I have somehow managed to put myself over as a humourless prick, from whom by the Grace of God, Barney has managed to raise a smile.

All I should have said was, Great stuff, LOL :)

We'll say no more about it.

SafeTinspector said...

I wish I had a law that would stop me from slapping. Its become a bit of a problem for me professionally.

Nosey said...

Very, very funny, AB. I mean it

the anti-barney said...

I'm not sure S.B.,it hurts here*,here* and here*.
Well Doc.,did you like it or not ?
SafeT.,I've two words for you;
padded gloves.
Thanks Nosey.

Dr Maroon said...

Don't be a cunt.

the anti-barney said...

Thats fuckin'lovely that is,you make a bollix of giving me a cack-handed compliment in an arse-about-face way and then call ME a cunt.You're a divil.

Dr Maroon said...

I did too, didn't I? Bollix it up I mean.

I'm having trouble not commenting on the bananas one as well, in case i fuck that up.

the anti-barney said...

Don't worry about it ,me oul' pal.
All comments gratefully received.