I have been threatened with a barbeque this afternoon after skillfully avoiding having one all year, and last, by using the simple,yet effective method of lying about the weather fore- cast.You see I am very good at forecasting the weather,unlike those gobshites in the Met. office.As the weather was important to my work in a previous incarnation I became quite adept at reading the charts and coming up with my own conclusions with the result that my word (on the weather) is gospel in our house.
As in "What,barbeque today ?,are you mad ?, sure its going to piss rain." or
"Barbeque in that lazy wind,it'd rather go through you than around you." or
"Yes,why not,we should be finished before the rain comes."
I am still very accurate ,when it suits me,but for some strange reason nobody listens to me anymore ???
Two years ago, in a moment of madness,I let Malicia talk me in to buying one of those new-fangled gas barbeques that does everything for you, including ruining your food,only more eff- icently.We'll stop right here while I mention that,as I have said before,even though I am a very slow,one-fingered typist,I ref- use to use that horrible word baaaaaaaaarby as it seems to make the whole proceedings sound even more common and distasteful.So,getting back to the purchase of the gas-b.,the novelty of having Malicia cooking outside continued all that Summer and I took a rest from the kitchen.I normally do most of our cooking because I'm not bad at it,have the time and find it to be less of a chore than Malicia does, so fair's fair,eitherways,she enjoyed the novelty in much the same way as normal husbands presumably do.
I have no objection to barbeques in theory,in theory they're fine,its the actuality with which I have problems .Firstly its the waste of good food that I deplore,no food tastes better for having been incinerated,in fact it is rare to be served fare that is reasonably above the standard of edibility.Even if the cook manages to get some of the meat/fish ready for con- sumption without destroying it completely,they will surely make a bollix of something else to be served,the potatoes too raw or burned,the coleslaw sour,the asparagus as black as a porn star's micky.
If you are having a b. in your own garden,there seems to be more preparation involved than for a full Christmas Dinner, except you have to carry all your stuff outside,and you will have forgotten several items,involving many more trips back to the house.Someone has to do the marinades and make the relishes and dips,me,and carry out the awkward and heavy stuff,me.
If you have forgotten what happened last time and invite a few guests,they hang around like Seagulls,watching every move you make,or worse,offering to help.And theres always one,isn't there.Oh you know who you are,in spite of all the warnings from his/her partner to behave themselves this time and that an eye will be upon them at all times,still man- age to escape the watcher and make an absolute Poultice of themselves,forgetting or ignoring the fact that Sun,Gargle and empty stomachs do not make great bedfellows.
We won't even mention the flies,bluebottles and other insects that exist solely to irritate us,when not pre-occupied with spreading disease across our food.Or the arsehole neighbours who must be watching through binoculars before rushing out and starting the grass -cutting relay,as soon as one bastard stops another starts,sometimes with a strimmer.I swear to fuck,even though our nearest neighbour is 100 yards away, he made so much noise yesterday,I couldn't hear myself fart, including during the match.What sort of heathens are these people ?
No,give me good food,well prepared and all ready at the same time,civilized .