Sunday, June 11, 2006

Barbeques are Cunts

I have been threatened with a barbeque this afternoon after
skillfully avoiding having one all year, and last, by using the
simple,yet effective method of lying about the weather fore-
cast.You see I am very good at forecasting the weather,unlike
those gobshites in the Met. office.As the weather was important
to my work in a previous incarnation I became quite adept at
reading the charts and coming up with my own conclusions
with the result that my word (on the weather) is gospel in our

As in "What,barbeque today ?,are you mad ?, sure its going to
piss rain." or

"Barbeque in that lazy wind,it'd rather go through you than
around you." or

"Yes,why not,we should be finished before the rain comes."

I am still very accurate ,when it suits me,but for some
strange reason nobody listens to me anymore ???

Two years ago, in a moment of madness,I let Malicia talk me
in to buying one of those new-fangled gas barbeques that does
everything for you, including ruining your food,only more eff-
icently.We'll stop right here while I mention that,as I have said
before,even though I am a very slow,one-fingered typist,I ref-
use to use that horrible word baaaaaaaaarby as it seems to
make the whole proceedings sound even more common and
distasteful.So,getting back to the purchase of the gas-b.,the
novelty of having Malicia cooking outside continued all that
Summer and I took a rest from the kitchen.I normally do
most of our cooking because I'm not bad at it,have the time
and find it to be less of a chore than Malicia does, so fair's
fair,eitherways,she enjoyed the novelty in much the same
way as normal husbands presumably do.

I have no objection to barbeques in theory,in theory they're
fine,its the actuality with which I have problems .Firstly its
the waste of good food that I deplore,no food tastes better
for having been incinerated,in fact it is rare to be served fare
that is reasonably above the standard of edibility.Even if the
cook manages to get some of the meat/fish ready for con-
sumption without destroying it completely,they will surely
make a bollix of something else to be served,the potatoes
too raw or burned,the coleslaw sour,the asparagus as black
as a porn star's micky.

If you are having a b. in your own garden,there seems to be
more preparation involved than for a full Christmas Dinner,
except you have to carry all your stuff outside,and you will
have forgotten several items,involving many more trips back
to the house.Someone has to do the marinades and make
the relishes and dips,me,and carry out the awkward and
heavy stuff,me.

If you have forgotten what happened last time and invite a
few guests,they hang around like Seagulls,watching every
move you make,or worse,offering to help.And theres always
one,isn't there.Oh you know who you are,in spite of all the
warnings from his/her partner to behave themselves this
time and that an eye will be upon them at all times,still man-
age to escape the watcher and make an absolute Poultice of
themselves,forgetting or ignoring the fact that Sun,Gargle
and empty stomachs do not make great bedfellows.

We won't even mention the flies,bluebottles and other insects
that exist solely to irritate us,when not pre-occupied with
spreading disease across our food.Or the arsehole neighbours
who must be watching through binoculars before rushing out
and starting the grass -cutting relay,as soon as one bastard
stops another starts,sometimes with a strimmer.I swear to
fuck,even though our nearest neighbour is 100 yards away,
he made so much noise yesterday,I couldn't hear myself fart,
including during the match.What sort of heathens are these
people ?

No,give me good food,well prepared and all ready at the same
time,civilized .

Anyway,I think its going to rain.


fatmammycat said...

Por old sausage, you're going about it all the wrong way, Bar-b-cues are for drinking while sitting outside gabbing to your friends, the food is just incidental. I went to one thother week and had a fine old time. And I managed to slip all my undercooked yet strangely charred to an inch of its life chicken to the host's dog.

Dr Maroon said...

FMC is right! The food is totally secondary. It's about falling over and blaming your seat sinking into the grass. It's about that 'afternoon session' feeling that always starts so well but ends up, like Eddie Murphy says, with the host taking umbridge at perceived sleights, and everyone else telling him to shut the fuck up and get more drink, and put something louder and more annoying on the rigged-up PA system, "Fuck the neighbours!" they shout jokingly, as only people who don't have to live there can. I don't own one of those big gazebo things you can get in Homebase for about £100 but I want one. Apparently they're Non-U, too bad. I do have two big pub umbrellas that the Front Bar gave me (XXXX and Tennents) and they add a bit.
The house down the road's got a HUGE round trampoline in the front garden and it's just fantastic. When you see them on it they must be going higher than the roof! It starts off with the small kids bouncing on it, and then the teenage daughter and her friends turn up and they are way too cool to even countenance such an embarassing toy, but the pull of the trampoline is strong and eventually they have a shot and won't get off it all afternoon. The younger kids have to retreat to a quiet shady corner with their colouring-in books and mobile phones. Since the start of "summer" I have hardly seen a football, hence the lack of any players. Oh we'd win the word cup in texting, no bother.
Warmed up semi-raw chicken. Good for dogs. Makes their coat shine.

fatmammycat said...

I didn't see the mutt complain. Dogs eat cow shit, Red, I'd say he was safe enough with the chicken.

Dr Maroon said...

They have a remarkable constitution. Our last dog, (18 when despatched, God bless him) ate anything. I was out with him once and he ripped a flat rabbit off the road like velcro and had it eaten before I could get it off him. He loved his bush tucker.

fatmammycat said...

MY mother has a spaniel that eats daffodils and one almost poisoned its stupid self by eating a whole Terry's chocolate orange, complete with foil. Man that was some burny-arsey he suffered from after that.

Kim Ayres said...

So, the Anti-Barney is really the Anti-Barby.

We had one the other day. We found one of these disposable ones at the back of a kitchen cupboard we'd bought a few years ago and forgotten about.

We managed to half cook about 4 veggy sausages and warm up a couple of slices of haloumi cheese before it reached the point where the sun was cooking them more than the charcoal.

Dr Maroon said...

Kim, tell me you're making half of this stuff up. It's priceless. It's like a modern version of The Glums or something.

the anti-barney said...

Kim,serves you right,but at least you used fucked-up food to begin with.
Fmc. and Doc.,since when did we need an excuse or reason to drink ?
Just give me a barbeque,good company and plenty of drink and you can stick the barbeque up your arse.Oh,and I'm quite fond of my own company as well.

Charlie said...

I like BBQ's they are NICE.

the anti-barney said...

Hey Charlie,I think this is where we came in.