Monday, January 30, 2006

Smack the Pony

The Irish Government announced today that it is to
introduce a ban on smacking in public,long before similar
legislation is due before the courts in the European Union.
Hoping to fend off objections from self-interested parties,
Minister for Children,Maurice Munchken said ,

"Ireland will lead the World by showing enlightenment in
all aspects of childcare.We have 500 million Euro left-over
in E.U. funding and by God,we're not sending it back,we've
already gotten through 18 million coming up with our new
slogan,it is, "Spare the Rod ".

"And spoil the child." Said Iggy Brown of of the Hospitality

"This will surely bring about the collapse of our failing
tourism industry,if the French,German and British tourists
can't bate their children in Ireland,they'll go elsewhere to
do it.These people have a culture of Smacking and they
expect to be able to do it when they are abroad."

Bill Byrne from the Drinks Council added his disgust that
they had not been consulted and hoped that Restaurants and
Pubs would be allowed introduce seperate smacking areas
for their customers.He also said,

"It will be intolerable if children are able to run riot in our
premises without the fear of getting a good wallop from a
parent to put manners on them,its bad enough that we're
not allowed to clatter them,as it is.

Travellers Rights associations are also up in arms over the
proposed legislation saying its yet another assault on their
ancient traditions.Spokesman Mikey Connors said,

"Theres not a man among ye that'll stop me batin' me
childer if I've a mind to,I meself was bet crooked as a chap,
and divil the bit of harm it did me.How is a young lad going
to learn to bate his missus when hes fifteen if he doesn't
get a good hiding when he is young to show him how to do it
properly ?"

In a bizarre twist to this story,two young boys were arrested
in Fairview Park,Dublin,for causing unnessarary cruelty to
themselves.The boys had been spotted by an off-duty Garda
smacking themselves on the rump while engaged in a game
of Cowboys and Indians.Sgt.O'Shea,who is on unpaid leave at
the moment said,

"I observed the culprits give themselves several hefty whacks
to their behinds with their open hands,all the while urging
themselves to giddy-up."Rolling his neck in discomfort,the Sgt.

"Although the new law isn't on the books yet,we have enough to
charge them with under the Offences against the person act and
the current Cruelty to Children laws."

When I asked why he was on leave and had he nothing better to
do,Sgt.O'Shea told me to Fuck off.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Kitty O'Shea's,Molly Bloom's,Etc.

If theres anything more pathetic than" Irish Pubs " around the
world,its the sad wankers that frequent them.Irish pubs in
Ireland are bad enough but the "Plastic Paddy "version you
come across everywhere else are the pits,the dingle-berries
on the arse-hole of society.

It would be bad enough for some raggidy-haired Continental
saddo mandolin player to wander in ,searching for like-minded
noise-polluters to have a session,but for an Irishman to go into
one,to actually search for one is an abomination.

To go to a strange and exotic city is a wonderful experience and
a great privilige and only comparatively recently available to
the masses,why would you want to waste even one minute of
your experience in a pastiche of what you have left behind.Not
to mention that you pay through the bollix for the pleasure.The
owners and management know what you are willing to pay
for drink at home and charge you accordingly when you visit
their establishment,often twice the local price.

My first encounter with an Irish Bar was in Lanzarote in the 80s
and we were invited to a Reps. meeting the day after arrival,in
an Irish bar,for info. and free Sangria.Having spat out the piss-
water Sangria I ordered two pints and a quick Peseta/Punt
calculation told me I was after paying about 2.50 per pint,same
as Dublin.This was quite a shock for me as I had been led to
believe that the gargle was "for nuthin' "in the Canaries.I might
have been none the wiser had they not driven us out by playing
some diddley-eye shite that some cunt had brought over.Down
the road we went on a pub crawl with the pint getting progress-
ively cheaper,I think we ended up paying about 80p a pint,the
thieving Irish bastards.

On the odd occasion I've been in one since,I've noticed that they
have as much in common with an Irish bar as green beer,the
staff weren't Irish,the owners weren't Irish and the music,well
they wouldn't dare play it in any bar I frequent.Thats only if the
poxy Karaoke isn't on,and/or some football-match blaring,how
is there always a match on ?

Irish Bars and the wankers who go into them deserve each other.

Friday, January 27, 2006

The Lonely Duckling

Once upon a time,on a farm far away,there lived a family of
Barbary ducks.There was nothing spectacular or different
about this family of ducks except perhaps they were more
dilligent about their tasks and very hard-working,com-
pared to other families of ducks on that farm.

Even less unusual and remarkable was the second youngest
member of the Barbary family until one day he met and
fell in love with the prettiest Mallard he had ever seen.He
began to swim with the flock of Mallard whenever they
landed on his pond.He listened in awe as they related tales
to each other of the strange and exotic places they had been,
what they had seen and who they had met.Above all,he
loved the beautiful greeny-blue,grey and white plumage
of the male Mallards and longed to become one himself.

"How can I compete with such beauty ?, Why would she
ever love me ?, he used to cry to himself.

The years passed by and he saw his beloved Mallard come
and go but at least she had not mated-up with another,yet.
He saw all the changes at the farm,saw his beloved parents
pass away too,

"Is that all thats in store for me ?,a sad and lonely life with
nobody to love.To die in this miserable shithole and never
see the world ?"

The more he considered this,the more depressed he became,
and he stopped going to the pond altogether so as not to
torment himself with that which he could never have.He
became so withdrawn that the other animals began to
worry about his health and brought the matter to the att-
ention of the Queen of the farm-yard,the mother goose.
When she heard of his dilemma,she summoned him and
chided him gently,

"You silly little Barbary,all you have to do is to ask your
siblings for a few of their feathers,then you'll have enough
feathers to fly and you'll be as handsome as any Mallard."

"Do you think so ?,do you think they'll give them to me ?"

"Of course they will,They're your family and they love
you,they want to see you happy.",she told him.

So he asked each and every member of his family and they
all agreed to give him some of their feathers.

"You're all so good,thank you so much."

"Not a problem,sure we don't need them.",they all replied.

But unknown to the lonely duck,his family met in secret to
discuss the situation and began to have misgivings about the
whole deal.

"If I give him 6 feathers,why then he'll have 36 feathers more
than me."

"And me."

"And me,why should I do that ?"

"It wouldn't be fair."

"It wouldn't be right."

"He would have too many feathers,far more than us."

When he went to collect the promised feathers,each member
of his family had an excuse not to give any over.

"I've just done a count and I need all my feathers."

"I might need them in the future."

"Actually,I havn't enough feathers,can you give me some of
yours ? "

The lonely duckling was so disappointed that he didn't ask the
rest and went to his nest.His love,in the meantime,heard about
the efforts he had made and about him being let down by his
family and decided there and then to stay with the unfortunate
Barbary on the farm pond.

Next morning she went to tell him the news and express her love
but she found him lying on his back,cold as ice.

The poor lonely duck died of a broken heart,unable to bear the
disappointment and loss of all his dreams.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Plastic is a Cunt.

I fucking hate plastic and the fact that it is everywhere
and entirely unavoidable makes me hate it even more,
theres no fucking end to it.Not only that but experts
believe most of the shit we're producing now will still
be with us in a thousand years ( I don't know how they
know this but I do know that an old dump in Bray,Co.
Wicklow,closed this 30 years was recently pictured in
the New York Times *,collapsing into the sea with all the
plastic in the same condition as when it was buried).

When Ireland introduced a tax on plastic bags to reduce
the use of plastic,it had the opposite effect as you'd be
hard pressed now to buy anything that is not
smothered in plastic of a far greater density.The only
winners because of this tax are the Supermarket chains
who save millions of Euro by not having to buy and give
free carrier-bags because most of their customers now
bring their own bags.Fair enough,you don't see as many
plastic bags stuck in trees and ditches but now we are
producing mountains of poly-styrene trays and plastic
trays,boxes and punnets.

I don't know how people managed years ago when their
meat or fish was wrapped in a geeful of brown paper and
greaseproof,if at all.Nowadays your meat,fish and chicken
is pumped so full of water,salt and other shit that they
wouldn't stay in a brown bag pissin' time and end up on
the floor before you left the counter.This process is known
as Value Added,and value added is what it is,only not for
the consumer but for the retailer who can gain up to 30%
on the original weight.Also value is the increasingly popular
use of vacuum-packing,which increases the shelf life of
fresh products by at least five days but is wrapped in
plastic far more dense than normal plastic.

The worlds annual consumption of plastic has increased
from 5 million tonnes in the 50s to over 100 million
tonnes today with the U.K. alone producing 3 million
tonnes of waste every year of which,up to 2003 only
17.9% was recycled.This leaves a fair bit for land-fills
and incineration,and litter.56% of all litter found on
beaches is plastic,how was your fish supper last night ?

What about wildlife ?,I don't hear you ask,most sea-
birds in the world are filled with plastic.Heres someone
who,unlike me,does know what hes talking about.
“It’s a disgrace for humankind that we have so much unnecessary rubbish,” says Dr Jan van Franeker, a Dutch marine biologist. “We should respect other forms of life on this planet, not offload our problems onto them.”
Franeker is a world expert on plastic waste at sea who has been leading a “Save the North Sea” research project funded by European governments for the past two years. Last week, at the Alterra laboratory on the Dutch island of Texel, he revealed his results exclusively to the Sunday Herald.
The scale and extent of the plastic pollution he has uncovered is staggering. Nineteen out of every 20 dead fulmars analysed by his team from around the North Sea had plastic in them. Each bird had swallowed an average of 44 pieces, weighing a total of 0.33 grams. One fulmar found in Belgium had ingested 1603 pieces, while another from Denmark had 20.6 grams of plastic in its stomach – equivalent to two kilograms in a human-sized stomach.
Franeker’s team collected 560 dead fulmars from the shores of eight countries around the North Sea between 2002 and 2004, plus 38 from the Faroes for comparison. Fulmars are members of the petrel family of seabirds and are common throughout the North Sea.
They feed at sea, eating fish, squid, plankton and carrion from near the surface. But at the same time they seem to ingest any waste, like plastic, which is floating around, causing them to be dubbed “flying dustbins”.
But Franeker stressed that it is not just boats that are to blame. Some of the waste is dumped into rivers and washed out to sea, and some, like plastic bags and balloons, is blown off the land.
“That 95% of fulmars in the North Sea area have plastic in their stomachs is shocking enough, but when you think that this is just an indicator species, which feeds solely at sea, and scale the problem up you start to realise how many, and to what extent, other marine mammals and birds are affected.
“More needs to be done to tackle marine litter sources round the coast of Scotland – and we can only urge people to have some pride, and think before leaving litter at the beach, throwing unwanted items overboard or discharging waste illegally.”
Franeker also found evidence that North Sea fulmars are feeding plastic waste to their chicks in regurgitated food. After breeding, adult birds recorded lower levels of plastic in their stomach than chicks.
In another study in the Antarctic, he found plastic fragments in the stomachs of eight out of every 10 chicks born to small seabirds called Wilson’s storm petrels. An analysis of Laysan albatross chicks that had died in their nests in Hawaii uncovered a wide range of ingested plastic debris, including a cigarette lighter, a toothbrush, a tampon applicator, a toy robot, a golf ball, and lids from a car battery and shampoo bottle.

Now you'll believe me ,plastic is a cunt,but you knew that already.

*I tried for hours to up/download the picture,but you can see it at Ireland's _ Garbage_ Secrets _Come_ Glaringly _to _Light.htm

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Ring for Service.

And thats another thing,whatever happened to those
buttons that used to be on the back of benches in bars
and lounges ? After a fair bit of pressing,a barman or
lounge-boy would appear to take your order and all
would be right with the world.Now with all the re-vamps
and modernization that most watering-holes are under-
going,these gimme-drinks have become a thing of the past.
They're passing has become synonymous with all that is
wrong with the service industry today.
These ring-for service buttons are the live version of
operator busy telephone calls and seem to be designed to
annoy and irritate rather than help customers even when the
little bastards do work.You feel such a gobshite pressing them
as they are usually silent anyway and you never know if
they are working or not,or if the cunt whose attention you
require is out the back somewhere,giggling at you and
watching your exasperation through C.C.T.V.,the sleeveen
cunt.Dare you press it more than once and some harridan
with a puss like a bag of nails on her will dash forth and ate
you for your impudence and impatience and for having the
gall to disturb her knitting or playing with herself or any of
the hundred things that are more important to her than
attending to you.

Getting back to far more important things,namely getting
the drink in and how difficult it can be sometimes,some of
those little cunts of lounge-boys/girls seem to have been to
college to study the art of avoiding eye contact and quite
often the only way to get their attention is to trip him/her
up so they snot themselves.I saw it once in a film and have
used it successfully several times since at large gatherings
like funerals and dinner-dances,where you tear a tenner in
half early in the evening and give one half to the least brain-
dead of the floor-staff,promising him the other half at the
end of the evening if he looks after you,well let me assure
you,he'll climb over dead bodies to take your order.

There is,of course,no problem in your own local when your
large Paddy and pint will be on the counter before you reach
it,but what about your next drinks if the barman is out the
back or in the lounge or fuck knows where ?If you tap the
counter or whistle you'll get the look,if you shout you
run the risk of being thought to be drunk and refused service.
Even where buttons-for-service did exist,a regular daren't
press one,they were only for strangers and visitors.A regular
pressing a button would get the look that told him,in no
uncertain terms to fuck off can't you see I'm fucking busy
slicin' fucking lemons or readin' my fucking paper and I'll
fucking serve you when I'm good and fucking ready.And
thats you in your fucking place.

Well stick your buttons up your arse then.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Just Wondering......

I know there are clever and devious cunts out there
and I was just wondering what you would do to annoy
a contrary and troublesome neighbour who is in the
process of laying a new and expensive lawn.It is now
ready for seeding.All hypothetical,of course.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Fak me,Wot a Sight.

Even as thousands of Londoners lined both sides of the
Thames to witness a sight never seen in living memory,
the emergency services,Greenpeace,P.E.T.A. and the
Anti-terrorist squad were swinging in to action.In a
turn-about of events ,a spokesperson for Greenpeace,
Mz. Liz Dunga-Rees said ,

"It is vital that we all work together to prevent the
demise of something so rare and close to extinction
as this.They were at their most plentiful at the turn of
the 19th century and continued to prosper right up to
comparatively recent times,but since the 70s most
have been hunted out of existence.We only have
ourselves to blame.",she added,shaking her cropped-
haired head bitterly.

A Thames Light-house man,also an endangered
species,who did not wish to be named said,

"Fak me,I thought I was seeing fakin' things as it
cruised up past me." He went on to say,

"I've never seen anything like it, "

"Theres never been anything like it" said his wife

"Ohhh,I've never seen anything like it in my life."

Now becoming increasingly distressed and
disorientated there is a real danger of it either
running aground or getting tangled in some of the
numerous obstructions to be found in Mother
Thames.To date, all attempts at empathy or
establishing contact have failed,including the
playing of Whales-in-distress sounds at the mouth
of the river.

The Sun Newspaper (sic) have launched a
Get your tits out campaign to raise awareness,
page three girl ,Gee-Gee said,

"The only thing for it is flash our tits in solidarity
so,come on girls,show them what we're made of."

A spokesman for the Japanese Embassy said,

" おはようございます どうもありがとうございます "

She finished by saying,

"どうもありがとうございます " **

The fact,however,is nobody knows why a fully-functioning
Japanese Whaler should suddenly appear outside the
Houses of Parliament on the river Thames.

** "Fucked if I know "

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Hanging is too good for 'em.

Having just read Bintys excellent,thoughtful and
provocative post ,
and re-read an older one on the same subject,I hope he
doesn't mind if I play Devil's Advocate here for a bit.

I salute him for his forgiving nature and his faith in
humanity.Being the possesser of neither traits and with
no wish to gain them ,I have always supported the Death
penalty and given the chance would add a few more crimes
to be dealt with in this way.One wonders what sort of
Democracy we live in when the pollsters constantly tell
us that the majority of voters in Great Britain and in
Ireland are in favour of Capital Punishment,yet is never
used although I think it remains on the statute books.

Statistically most of the populace can never have been
directly effected by the heinous crimes under consider-
ation here but still hold these views and whats wrong
with wanting Justice or even Revenge.They're perfectly
human traits which have served the Race well since time
began.Spite ? Maybe it is spiteful to wish to see some
toe-rag hanged or fried for killing a loved one,but it is also
a very natural reaction .I sincerely hope Binty never feels
the desire to change his views following personal experience
and of course the World would be a better place if it was
full of people like Binty and empty of cunts like me,but it
ain't gonna happen.Wake up and smell the shite.

That woman's mother is behaving in a saintly manner and
I hope she gets peace of mind and heart.For most people
though,a killer might just as well have murdered a victim's
entire family as well,such is the sense of loss ,desolation
and sense of vulnerability and the only true closure they
will ever get is one the death of the murderer.
Paradoxically the only murderer that I never wanted to
see hanged is the bastard who killed someone very close
to me and that is because when he is released,the last
thing the cunt will ever see is a certain person standing
over him with a pair of pliars.Fact.


Its just been brought to my attention that Kim Ayres also
did a post on this very
subject yesterday,so between us you have the Good,the
Bad and the Ugly of Capital Punishment.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

True Love Ways.

Doctor Tim was in particularly good form last night and it
took little coaxing to find out why.Halfway down his second
snifter he began,

"I took my wife out for a meal over the weekend to mark
our anniversary,"he beamed,"the food was divine,the
service excellent and the wine was just right.The band had
made the atmosphere just perfect and having dropped the
band-leader a few bob to play our tune,Gloria almost swooned
in my arms as we rounded off the evening with a dance.We each
had a Hennessy before going to bed and when we'd finished
making love,I'd swear she was floating on air."

With a silly smile on his face he finished his drink and ordered
another.Theres no answer to that,or so I thought.Willow replied,

"Same here,I took the missus out for a few pints and had a
chinese on the way home.When the sex was over she must
have been a foot over the bed."

The Jockey,who had been quiet up to this,piped up,

"Thats nothing,me and the mot had a rake of gargle on Sunday
afternoon and we shared a fish'n'chips as we walked home.
When I'd finished riding the arse off her I wiped me micky on
the curtains and she hit the fucking roof."

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Do I owe you anything for that ?

Once again the notion of a force of Garda Reserves has been
suggested by Justice Minister Michael mcDowell,and they
are to be given powers of arrest after just twelve two-hour
training sessions and a weekend on the piss,otherwise known
as a "Getting to know you " session.Chief among the many
objectors are the permanent Gardai,who have to complete
55 weeks training before being let loose on the public.

Garda spokesman Sean Backhander said,

"This is a dreadful state of affairs,we will lose all credibility
with the public ,all respect will be gone.",before adding

"Its not as easy as people might imagine,getting things for
nothing off people.",shaking his head ruefully.
The facts seem to bear this out and a new Garda has been
found to need a probationary period of three or four months
following Graduation,including on-the-beat patrols with an
experienced Garda,before even thinking about lining his

A new recruit on his first day in training at Templemore is
taught to ask,

"Do I owe you anything for that ?"., when buying anything
from a newspaper to a second-hand car,or for any services
from a puncture repair to a wall being built.No shop-keeper
or trades-man likes dealing with the force as its usually near-
impossible to get paid off the cunts.Some traders feel that its
nice to have a Garda or two on their side but it usually proves
to be a false security because if you are unfortunate enough to
be caught for something,chances are you'll be told.
"I can't do anything for you,yer man is a proper bastard and
won't play the game."
If you don't bother your bollocks asking one of the cunts you'll
be told,

"Jasus,why didn't you come and see me,that could've been

Aye,a proper shower of cunts,but what type of cunt would
want to be a volunteer Garda Reserve officer ?Take a look
around you,you know the type,they're the very ones who
should never be selected.Be afraid !

Monday, January 16, 2006

Dead Mice Walking

I hate those meeces to pieces ............Update.

The problem was obviously worse than I thought and
the little cunts have eaten me out of house and home,in the
rat-bait sense I mean.Twelve Euro worth,1/2 Kilo of best
block-bait,gone.Great fuckin' stuff this,I thought,its so
effective they're bringing all their mates around to party.
Its the fucking Greens again,getting all the good stuff
taken out of the poison,like they did with D.D.T.

D.D.T. was the business,before the cunts got it banned in
the Seventies.If you treated a flea-ridden dog with it,you
could see them jumping off the dog,stone dead.Any fleas that
didn't jump,you'd comb out later,and them black as coal.Not
only that,but the dog would stay flea-free for the year,no ice,
no lemon and no fuckin' messin',as the bar manager used to
say to us.There was also the side effect of saving millions upon
millions from Malaria,and Malaria is becoming so rampant
again that more countries are starting to use D.D.T. again.

Anyway,like all men,in times of crisis and when all else fails,
read the instructions.And there you have it,like a big
gobshite I've been poisoning already poisoned mice as the
bait takes three or four days to work.

On a lighter note note I'm to become even more of a cartoon
character over at Barbie's new site.He and Kim Ayres have
created a new cartoon site at and
I wish him the best of luck with it and hope they have an ocean
of fun.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Saturday - A blank canvas before me

I can't decide whether to bother with a post today or
leave it till later.There doesn't seem to be too many
around so maybe I'll leave it,drink whiskey and back a
few horses.Yes,thats a far better idea and I might come
up with a decent post,on the other hand I might drink a
little too much,lose a shit-load of money and slide into
a depression that could last for endless minutes.Then
where would we be,we'd be back to square one and I'd
be pissed off with myself for writing nothing,then the day
is nearly gone and it'll be too late to post 'cause it might
stop me posting tomorrow.

Theres a lot to be said for having structures in your life,

Friday, January 13, 2006


I suppose its my own fault for not sorting the little
cunt out as soon as I copped him,but at first I thought
I was imagining things.After all it wouldn't be the
first time I saw things that weren't there.

I must digress here for a minute and tell you about
a friend of mine who trained greyhounds.He had just
received ten rabbits which he was to "show" to the
dogs and next morning found they had all escaped.
Frank lived in a fairly built-up area and not wishing
to alert the neighbours about what he had been up to
was searching as inconspicuously as possible for his
runaways.He peeped over a neighbour's fence and
saw the occupant staring goggle-eyed out the back-
garden.Now this man was a hard-core alcoholic and
was obviously the worse for wear,as he opened the
window he screamed out

"Jaysus Frank,I've just seen the biggest rat I ever saw
in my life."

Did you ever notice how nobody ever sees a small rat,its

"I've just seen a big fuckin' rat ." Its never a medium rat
or a baby rat,no its always a big,huge fuckin' rat.

Suffice to say I did nothing about it as my first reaction
to any problem is to put it on the back-boiler.I had a
good idea that my wildlife wasn't a rat so I wasn't that
concerned,but by fuck,mice can make some mess,the
little cunts.I didn't bother with traps as they're too
messy and anyway I didn't tell anyone that we had
visitors so traps would have been a bit of a giveaway.
Besides I've always thought that the best way to get rid
of vermin is to feed them,so there are a few mice with
sore bellies in the Barney household at the moment.

The only good thing about having mice is that you know
they'll never stick around where a rat is living.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Names and Faces

Rather than reply to the thoughtful and incisive comments
after yesterdays post,I have sneakily decided to chance
another post out of the subject.In truth I was rather
surprised to find that I am not the only one to spend time
wondering who or what our fellow bloggers may be,and
feeling apprehensive and less than confidant of wherever
the realities lie. I suppose we are all somewhat like small
children wanting to believe in Santa against all the odds
and available evidence,in hoping and wanting our
favourites to be somewhere close or at least in the same
parish as who we imagine them to be.

Even in real life none of us see ourselves as others see
us,how else can you explain Janet Street-Porter and
Jonathan Ross,two,to put it mildly,rather plain people
with annoying speech impediments.One would have
thought that they would have taken one look in the mirror,
or had one listen to themselves on tape and said fuck it,I'll
just stay in the background.Look at them now,the cunts
don't doubt themselves for a minute.I used to take the
occasional order on the phone and one young lady always
asked for me to take her order.We used to have a bit of
skit along the way and she had a really nice and friendly
voice,sort of low and purring and breathless.As time went
by our conversations became more flirty and filled with
double-meanings until one day my driver didn't turn up
and I had to do the deliveries myself and I would be
lying if I said that I wasn't looking forward to meeting my
flirt-mate.My excitement mounted as I carried her goods
through the doors as I anticipated seeing her for the first
time.Words cannot describe the disappointment and
feelings of deflation I saw on that that young womans face.
It thought me a fuckin' good lesson,I can tell you.

So precisely because we will never meet and therefore
can never be proved wrong,I'll go first in describing the
select few.We'll do the wimin first only because they'll be
the easiest in our imaginations and also because we all know
that ladies do not fib,exaggerate or behave in a dishonest
manner,ever.Also because the alternative would be too
unbearable to contemplate as we have all fallen in love,
to a greater or lesser degree,with Lindy,Andraste,Fat-
mammycat ,Just Breathe and the sexy one,We'll take
them at face value,give them a few tweaks and twiddles
in our fertile imaginations and let the hare sit.

Dr. Maroon,ah the good doctor,I have him down as a cross
between Sean Connery and that little fellow out of four
weddings,only more charming and of course far more

I'm including Twenty here as well even though he has
never shown any interest in our community but his
was the first blog I ever read.I'd imagine him to be
a yuppy journalist living in luxury on the South-side
of Dublin,possibly Foxrock.He is in his mid-thirties
and has never been in a row in his life,other than
when he was being bullied at school.

Nice Charlie is normally nice when things run
smoothly but he shows a nice little bit of vitriol
when its warranted.

Wouldn't you just love to go on the piss with Footsie,
Brewski and Binty but at this stage I'd have to raid
a chemist for their entire stock of Dexedrine just to
last the night with the mad cunts,just reading their
blogs wear me out.

We'll have to include Barbie here because even though
he doesn't drink he doesn't need to as hes mad as
fuck without it and also theres a new side to him I'm
only beginning to appreciate as he alluded to his
partiality to substances today so theres room for
manouvre there,so Barbie you're driving.

Joke Mail I love like a brother but never lets his
essence slip,so the jury has to stay out for the

Gorilla Bananas is more of a voice for me,he is my
conscience,the one I never wanted.His voice is the
voice of Lion King's father ,deep, kind and honest.

This brings us to that mad fucker,Dr.Evil.Ian
Flemming should be resurrected just to include
him as a foil for Mr.Bond.We may or maybe not
related but if we are,stay the fuck away from him
'cause he has to be a horrible bollix.

I'm sorry if I've left anyone out but I'm fed up
typing this and it was only supposed to be a short
and handy post anyway.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


I've been giving this blogging thing some thought and
have come to the conclusion that I for one spend far
too much time with it.This is partly due to my techno-
imbecility and my ponderous one-fingered typing,so I
suppose its a wonder that I can produce a post atall.Our
little blogging community is so small and insigificant in
the huge world that it is unlikely we will ever meet each
other,or even meet anyone who has ever read any of
our blogs.I tried this at the weekend by exclaiming loudly
enough; I tug my beard at you with respect,Brewski'd
love this or the Doc. won't be pleased with Celtic several
times and in different places.While I wasn't locked up I
certainly received my share of odd looks and askew
glances,go ahead,try it yourself.

What brought this about was a post or comment by
Barbie and,I think Andraste ( I can't be arsed checking,
never let facts spoil a good post is what I say )about
saying things in your blog that you wouldn't say in
public !!Bollocks,why the fuck not.Whats the point in
having people around if you can't abuse them,verbally
I mean.Sure,sometimes you have to tone it down a
little if you're looking for something off,say a bank
manager or a boss or your spouse.But if you don't get
it,then let them have it as well,both barrels.

This is all very well,says you,coming from someone
hiding behind a pseudonym,and you're right except my
reason for doing so is to prevent my ill-gotten gains
from being taken off me by litigants I have insulted and
fully intend to insult in the future, unintentionally,of
course.Mostly I have always said what needed to be
said,to the point of being a social phsycopath,which I've
been told I am and have cut great chunks off my nose
to spite my face.I would like to think that most of our
incestuous little community are reasonably honest and
true to themselves but you never know,we might not
like each other should we ever meet.Dr. Maroon comes
across as a decent man,Brewski and Barbie you could
have a pint with but you don't know,they could be all
middle-aged women.Theres a bit of craic about Fmc. and
Andraste but they could be nuns,mother-superiors even.
For all we know they could all be teenage computer-

Just thought I'd mention it,that all,but isn't it great craic.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Cheerful Charlie

Charles Kennedy forced to resign after admitting
abusing alcohol.
Like I've always said,never admit to fuck all.

If a liar admits lying,how do you know if hes
telling the truth ?

How the fuck does Menzies become Ming ?

I've been reading some of the comments I posted here
and there yesterday and some of them seem a little
ratty,even for me.All I can say is Jagermeister.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Fuck you and your fairy lights.

I Know they should have been taken down
yesterday,but they weren't.Today me mot found
an adapter which worked the lights perfickly,so
they're staying up for another 3 weeks in honour
of lady Di,Gobbler extraordinaire.


The lights are dancing like flies 'round a septic Gee

Further update;

having just watched E.T. for the first time,I am
even more convinced that no matter where you
bring kids,picnics,the races,zoo,circus or cinema,
they will still spend their time whinging to go home.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Tempus Fugit

Time flies like the wind

Fruit-flies like bananas

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Two down,one to go

Contrary to what most people think,Christmas is not a
good time for alcoholics and drunkards,in fact,along with
New Years Eve and St. Patricks day it becomes part of
a trinity of nightmares that no self-regarding drunkard
ever wishes to participate in.Just to clarify things here,
I have never discovered whether I am an alcoholic or
a drunkard,and in truth I suppose what I am is a
functioning alcoholic,meaning that when I was good at
it,I would daily consume copious pints of lager,get into
a second bottle of Black Bush (Shirley Bassey as we
called it ) and still go to work at 5.30 A.M.All this proves
nothing,of course,only my credentials and is nothing to
boast about.

A lot of civilians ( non-alcoholics ) would assume that we
are party animals but while we are sociable creatures,we
are far from party animals as this can be disruptive to
our drinking patterns.One of the most pleasurable times
of the day for drinking is the mid-morning drink in the
local,surrounded by fellow alkies all in the same boat.
This is not to be confused with getting a cure as this will
have been accomplished much earlier,probably at home,
but some less practised alkies may use this time for
curing themselves.Indeed it is one of the simple
pleasures of life to watch a "member " rattle into the
bar,speechlessly implore the barman for his "usual "and
then two-handedly try to nurse the violently vibrating
bevvy to his quivering lips,him trying to act normal,you
trying to act as if you didn't notice.

Such informal gatherings of like-minded and like-
habited people often blossom into a type of lunch-time
club and there is often more business transacted in
such a club as at any of the participants own premises.
This is all fine and dandy during working days when all
the civilians are too busy to interupt the proceedings,but
all this changes at Trinity times when the amateurs
interupt the sanctity of our clubs,daring to bring a
dose of reality into our "don't think we are still in
Kansas "world.They interupt our conversations,take
our seats,distract our barmen and some inconsiderate
bastards even want the telly on for some football
match or even worse,the News.If they wanted to watch
telly,why didn't they stay the fuck at home ?Don't even
get me started on the families coming in,with kids
running riot and bat-eared women taking everything
in while doing mental roll-calls of the damned .

No,we endure,ignore or avoid these holidays like
Vampires avoid daylight,we bide our time and reclaim
what is ours when the rest of the world returns to work.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

As if thats not bad enough

Not only have I fucked up my site but now
I find the turkey is almost gone.

Monday, January 02, 2006


New Years Reresolutions ;
same as every other year,

I resolve to drink and smoke no more
and no less,thats for fuckin' sure.

I will not suffer fools gladly,
not that I ever did.


List of things I hate ;

people/cunts who make lists at this time of year.