Ring for Service.

And thats another thing,whatever happened to those
buttons that used to be on the back of benches in bars
and lounges ? After a fair bit of pressing,a barman or
lounge-boy would appear to take your order and all
would be right with the world.Now with all the re-vamps
and modernization that most watering-holes are under-
going,these gimme-drinks have become a thing of the past.
They're passing has become synonymous with all that is
wrong with the service industry today.
These ring-for service buttons are the live version of
operator busy telephone calls and seem to be designed to
annoy and irritate rather than help customers even when the
little bastards do work.You feel such a gobshite pressing them
as they are usually silent anyway and you never know if
they are working or not,or if the cunt whose attention you
require is out the back somewhere,giggling at you and
watching your exasperation through C.C.T.V.,the sleeveen
cunt.Dare you press it more than once and some harridan
with a puss like a bag of nails on her will dash forth and ate
you for your impudence and impatience and for having the
gall to disturb her knitting or playing with herself or any of
the hundred things that are more important to her than
attending to you.

Getting back to far more important things,namely getting
the drink in and how difficult it can be sometimes,some of
those little cunts of lounge-boys/girls seem to have been to
college to study the art of avoiding eye contact and quite
often the only way to get their attention is to trip him/her
up so they snot themselves.I saw it once in a film and have
used it successfully several times since at large gatherings
like funerals and dinner-dances,where you tear a tenner in
half early in the evening and give one half to the least brain-
dead of the floor-staff,promising him the other half at the
end of the evening if he looks after you,well let me assure
you,he'll climb over dead bodies to take your order.

There is,of course,no problem in your own local when your
large Paddy and pint will be on the counter before you reach
it,but what about your next drinks if the barman is out the
back or in the lounge or fuck knows where ?If you tap the
counter or whistle you'll get the look,if you shout you
run the risk of being thought to be drunk and refused service.
Even where buttons-for-service did exist,a regular daren't
press one,they were only for strangers and visitors.A regular
pressing a button would get the look that told him,in no
uncertain terms to fuck off can't you see I'm fucking busy
slicin' fucking lemons or readin' my fucking paper and I'll
fucking serve you when I'm good and fucking ready.And
thats you in your fucking place.

Well stick your buttons up your arse then.