Monday, October 31, 2005

Cross Country Code

Being a Bank Holiday,as it is,and seeing as how so many of you like to visit the
countryside on days-off,I would like to remind you of certain procedures to be adhered to on visiting the countryside.I myself am au fait with these procedures due to the frequency in which I visit my estate in County Wicklow which I acquired before
the scandal broke and is now safely in a Trust Fund for my children.

Most of these rules only require a modicum of common sense,'nt drop litter
and close all gates after you.Its not quite that simple because sometimes the gate is left open for a reason,so the rule should be;if a gate is open then leave it open,if its closed,close the fucking thing,right?

But far and away and most importantly,one should never,ever,under any circumstance,for fucks sake,and for the sake of all that is good and sacred,never bring
your dog for a walk.You'll never see the locals doing it and the simple reason is,if you
bring your dog for a walk,as sure as fuck You'll find a body.The countryside is
alive with dead bodies just waiting to be found by unsuspecting dog walkers.Every other week you hear of such and such a carcass found by a man/woman/children out
walking the poxy dog.The whole countryside is like one huge Theme-park full of
bodies,so unless you want to be interviewed by some half-wit on the News,give
statements to Coroner's Inquests,then stay out of the country,you and your fucking dog.

If,on the other hand,you crave publicity and a few days notoriety,by all means
feel free to walk Fido,after all,its easier than spending a few weeks on a reality T.V. show .

Sunday, October 30, 2005

A Day at the Races

You'd have to wonder why we do these things to ourselves,you really would.After the feed of pints yesterday I went home and finished off my Blue Vod. and not content with that I
guzzled all my good wife's Weekend supply of Wine as I was losing my proverbials on the Breeders Cup.

Todays results are as follows ;

(1st.) Wife not speaking,due to wineless cellar

(2nd.) Betfair a/c empty

(3rd.) Tongue like Cow Camel's Clitoris after a Sandstorm.

On the bright side,its pissing rain again today with prospects of more tomorrow,so lets
see how you light bonfires and set off fireworks in that, you wank-faced fuckin' Morons.

(expletives not fucking deleted ).

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Earwigging at the Blather Factory

The first fucker I see when I opened the door is that mouth Asbo,him who makes "Big mouth Billy Bass "look positively purse-lipped.Luckily for me he had his back to me 'cause I owe
him 50 euro and you know what he's like when he hits the top shelf.The other place around the corner was nearly as bad with a session in full flow and a sing song in the snug,you'd think it was
11.30 in the P.M. instead of the A.M.It was just as well I had to leave the other place as I could
only stay till tea-time so we would'nt have been able to have a proper session anyway.I wanted to watch the "Breeders Cup " tonight as I have a severe interest in "Starcraft"later on and most places will have the football on,the cunts.

We were discussing your man,no not him,the other bollix,the one with the long,greasy
hair and the Greyhounds,

"What sort of a gobshite is he anyway and shure shes as bad."

"You're fuckin' right there,theres a pair of them in it."

"And he still has'nt got a clue about her,still thinks she goes to the Movies twice a week."

"Ah,she loves the oul' fillums,he says,the fuckin' eejit."

"And her as ugly as a bag of spanners,the ugly fuck,it just shows you."

"Yes it just shows you,you can't even thrust an ugly one,still,it serves the cunt right,he stopped
that dog last month and I lost me bollix on it."

"But he told us he was stopping it."

"I know,but I did'nt believe the sneaky cunt,he told us that before."

"No you can't trust any fucker these days,still,if he ever finds out about her,she'll get a lump-
hammer between the eyes,the oul' cunt."

"Yes'n he can feed her to them poxy dogs,can't make them any slower."

"Might make 'em more flighty though,he'll have to run them over hurdles,the dogs,and the
Bitch's fannies will be eating the legs off them with the horn,if they take after the oul'cunt."

"I see they've identified that womans carcass they found last week,had to use dental records."

"Its your man I feel sorry for,the husband,what a life hes had."

"Yes,more of an existance than a life,the poor cunt."

"And the last few months must have been the worst,God help him,and now this."

"No,it has'nt been easy for him,can't have been."

"Can't,still,I wonder what she did to finally send him over the edge."

"Yes,must've been bad"

"Must've been awful,did you know them?"


"Me neither."

Urgent Appointment




Friday, October 28, 2005


Well golly gosh and jeepers,the little divil of an Internet swallowed up my post
yesterday and now it's gone forever.I would'nt mind but it was a particularly long one,probably one of the best blogs ever written,ever,in which I solved world poverty
and invented a new renewable energy source.It was incisive,constructive,witty and the grammar was proper,not like the usual oul' shite I've been spouting.Being so devastated by losing my work,I immediately took to the bottle,as you do,Blue Vodka,
and now I've forgotten my formulae,all I recall about the latter is that it involved the
rendering down of Romanians and Welsh,making it a win/ win situation.
I know the Internet is a wonderful invention and a great asset to Mankind but
from where I'm sitting now it's just a useless piece of syphilitic septic gee of a whore's cunted cocksucking pigfaced arsehole,may it rot in Hell,the cunt.I would'nt mind but it was a long one.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Don't call us..................We'll call you.

Occasionally,years ago,in my old school,we received visits from recruitment Priests from various Orders.We did'nt mind these visits,in fact we welcomed them as a diversion from getting
the three Rs beaten into us.Corporal punishment florished in those days,and plenty of it,boot,
box,stick or leather strap,any of these or a combination could be visited upon our scrawny
persons on the slightest pretext and often at the whim of malevelant,sadistic brutes,delivered with glee and spite,it seemed to us.Happy fucking days,me arse.Anyway,these Priests would
lecture us,extolling the virtues of whichever Order from whence he came,Franciscan,Capuchin,
Christian Brother,etc. Each talk would end with a slide show about the Missionaries or "Black Babies" or some other oul' shite,followed by" any questions",and always,fuckin' always,some little bollix of a teachers pet brownnose cunt would raise his hand.............

"How will I know if I want to be a Priest?"

"You'll know because you'll get a vocation."

"how will I know if I have a vocation?"

"You'll know because God will call you."

This never failed to frighten the living shite out of me,what if he called me as he worked in his mysterious fuckin' ways.I certainly did not want his "call",he could stick that straight up his
arse,and even if he did come calling,how would I recognise it.Would it be a flash of lightning,a
barking dog,a halo appearing,a talking statue,what? Apart from that,such a calling would greatly
interfere with my own ambitions as I'd never heard,still hav'nt heard of a pirate/fisherman/pilot/fire-fighting/horse-training priest .Also the thoughts of learning Latin really freaked me out at that time.Little did I know that I'd end up with Honours-Latin years later,but thats another story,Festina Lente and all that.

Spare a thought for all those poor gobshites who found themselves packed off to the Seminary and all because the cat had 19 kittens or a rat scratched the back door or a dotty aunt dreamt about fuckin'Moses or any other such shite,what became of such men.I think we all know the answer to that!!

All this current talk about Clerical Abuse has awakened my subconsious mind to what went
on all those years ago and I'm going to discuss it here as I have never mentioned it to a living soul before,and were it not for the anonymity afforded me by this blog,I doubt if I could do it here either.I always knew something was not quite right as I grew up but had no one to turn to,
my parents would punish me,my friends would laugh at me,the cunts,if they knew.No doubt a
half-decent Shrink would nod his head wisely and agree that I never stood a chance,that my life was fucked-up before it began.Dirty fucking bastards,I'd like to stick red-hot pokers up their
arses,backwards,so they'd burn their hands pulling them back down.The trauma that I
experience with every abuse case and every outing is becoming unbearable,no man should have to carry the burden I bear.After serious thought and consideration,I feel the only course open to me is to seek damages in the Courts.I know I'll become a figure of fun,probably a figure of hate
but I need some kind of closure.How many men have to live with the knowledge that with all the
touching-ups,sexual abusing and general buggering going on,I seem to be the only one that was never touched,by anyone,man,woman or child,not once,never,ever.I must have been a right ugly little bastard.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005


We all know Hallow'een,Christmas and Easter come earlier every year,to the shops they do anyway,but for the love of Jaysus,the way we're going we'll be starting to fret about Y3K before we know it.Christmassy stuff and all the Hallow'een and Easter shite appearing in shops need not effect most people except to serve as early warning systems that the bastards are coming,as a matter of fact,it's a pity shops do'nt carry anniversary stuff to save us fucking up "our special day" .No,the only ones usually annoyed by this are mothers of young children and babies,and they deserve it for having them.As we all should realise,there is a fuckin' dreadful shortage of babies and children in the world.

What really pisses me off is constant eruptions and ejaculations of Bangers and Fireworks since the end of the summer.You'd never think the fuckin' things were illegal the way the little cunts are going around with them.Just what sort of imbecilic wankbeans buy fireworks in late summer anyway?And the price of them,when I was selling bangers in Moore St.,we never,ever started selling them till ten days before Hallow'een.The price was 10 for five bob,and the odd micky-mouse firework would be 2/-.(work that out for your homework).They are definately getting louder as well,I know this because my hearing is going or so they tell me,

What is the point of fireworks and bangers,the noisy bastards,is it just to annoy everyone?Well that it does.I can understand that they use them in China to frighten off demons,
it's their culture and they're welcome to it.Where the fuck are the demons around here,a smattering of Republican splinter groups and a geefull of al-Qai'da,looking for their 77 virgins.Do
you think bangs and rockets are going to frighten them?,no fuckin' way,it'l only encourage them
to hurry along their Absinthe-riddled plans in case they miss the boat.

Any gobshite letting off fireworks or bangers,and especially those in-bred half-wits who started over a month ago deserve to be shot with balls of their own shite.That they may blow their fingers off both hands and never be able to wank again,wankers.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Death in Moscow

So what if Liam Lawlor died with a young,beautiful enterpreter's head on his lap while driving through a red light district of Moscow in the early hours of the morning?I hope he was on his third enterpreter of the day.Here was a multi-millionaire ex-politician property developer on his ownsome,away from home in a city where everything and anything is available 24 hours a day,from a blowjob to a nuclear warhead.IN such circumstances what multi-millionaire ex-politician property developer would'nt use an "enterpreter"?
Now,I'm not saying Mr. Lawlor was sqeaky clean,far from it,in fact he came across as a right Bollix.But the fact remains that for all his faults he was honest.Yes,among the herd of unscrupulous,greedy ,grasping,under-achieving nonentities that pass for politicians in this country,Liam Lawler stood out as an honest dishonest politician.Once he was bought,he stayed bought.He did his time,thrice,and never spilled a bean.What he must have known about where all the Skelletons are buried one can only imagine,but I really and fondly hope that he has an extremely fat file of memoirs left safely somewhere.I might even start working on my version of them myself.
Politicians are the second oldest profession in the world,but not nearly as honourable as the oldest.When I was a young up-and-coming member (before the scandal broke) the first thing we learned was how to cajole "donations" from any Gobshite stupid enough to give them,the trick being never to promise anything but offer to look into it,no matter what it was.
I now belong to the Billy Connolly school of thought on Politicians.Never vote for anyone who wants to be elected.the very fact that they do should automatically
disqualify them as they are up to something.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Evil Fucker

see what I mean ?

All he needs are Dubya's dozy eyes .

Saving Florida

Scene: Whitehouse bunker.

Time : Sunday A.M.

Cast : George and Jedd Bush,Condoleeza Rice,sundry Gofors and other useless Consultants.

Camera 2 closes up to George,standing perplexed in front of meteorological of area.

George :"And these here circley lines,they represent our front-line defences,right.General?"

General Brownnose (5 star) :" Ahem,yes Mr. Presudent."

George : "Great work,General,we must all do our dudy.Condy,pull out a chair for Tony,he's on his way and for God's sake do'nt mention those Goddamn 350,000 food packs,he's already mentioned sending budgies and parrots to comfort our distressed senior citizens."

Mz. Rice : "Certainly,Mr. President,but if he offers,we could accept and send them to Africa as part of our third world contribution along with the Mad Cow packs."

George : "Great thinking,Condy, good to know someone,s thinking outside the box."

General Brownnose (5 star) : "Yes,Mr. President,and if they prove to have this h2 o thing we
can release them all over Cuba."

George : " Yes yes we'll call it Operation Bay of Parrots."

Cue dramatic music

George : Ah Tony,welcome to the bunker.Now that we're all here lets join hands and offer up a
sign of hope and forgiveness and gratitude for all the goodness in this world,altogether now,

I love you,you love me,we're a happy family ............................................

fade out to sickly sweet singing.

Saturday, October 22, 2005


So the dead parrot of the Acopolypse has arrived at last,and about time too.Lets hope he's not sleeping,pining or pretending,an ex-parrot in fact.Mind you,according to the B.B.C., Heathrow Airport is no longer a part of the U.K. as technically, Great Britain remains free of Avian Flu. Are they trying a "Python"? Is the parrot dead or merely pining?Is he sleeping or has the
Empire abandoned Heathrow and left it to its own devices?
What about all the old and lonely people who have no other company apart from their beloved budgie or cockatoo? Are they to strangle their only companion or perhaps be packed
off to quarantine camps with their pets? Perhaps they will be exiled to the now stateless Heathrow?
Still,every cloud is not without it's silver lining and we can always hope that among the earliest casualties of the Pandemic will be the likes of the unmentionable Louis Walsh,who should have been prosecuted years ago for polluting the airwaves and in general for being a
thoroughly objectionable and horrible little bollix.Rumour has it that he has been coaching a
quartet of Mynah birds to take over when Westlife are discovered to be in reality a gang of
Polish Ladyboy Carpenters living here illegally while drawing the Dole.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Pain in the arse

I've spent my whole fuckin' day trying to get this bleedin' thing working and even if I do,
whats the chances that anyone will ever see the fucking thing.Am I wasting my sweetness
on the desert air?


I'm house-sitting my daughter this morning and she's glued to the tv.watching that purple
parasite called Barney.Of all the crap that comes out of the Great Satan he must represent the worst example neo-con mind control of all as he targets children.Sesame Street with Bert and Ernie were rampant liberals by comparison.I can just about tolerate McDonalds,Rap music and all the other shite that spews out of the U.S.but Barney leaves me feeling really nauseous and violated.If all Dinosaurs were like Barney,is'nt it just as well they all died out years ago.