Monday, October 31, 2005

Cross Country Code

Being a Bank Holiday,as it is,and seeing as how so many of you like to visit the
countryside on days-off,I would like to remind you of certain procedures to be adhered to on visiting the countryside.I myself am au fait with these procedures due to the frequency in which I visit my estate in County Wicklow which I acquired before
the scandal broke and is now safely in a Trust Fund for my children.

Most of these rules only require a modicum of common sense,'nt drop litter
and close all gates after you.Its not quite that simple because sometimes the gate is left open for a reason,so the rule should be;if a gate is open then leave it open,if its closed,close the fucking thing,right?

But far and away and most importantly,one should never,ever,under any circumstance,for fucks sake,and for the sake of all that is good and sacred,never bring
your dog for a walk.You'll never see the locals doing it and the simple reason is,if you
bring your dog for a walk,as sure as fuck You'll find a body.The countryside is
alive with dead bodies just waiting to be found by unsuspecting dog walkers.Every other week you hear of such and such a carcass found by a man/woman/children out
walking the poxy dog.The whole countryside is like one huge Theme-park full of
bodies,so unless you want to be interviewed by some half-wit on the News,give
statements to Coroner's Inquests,then stay out of the country,you and your fucking dog.

If,on the other hand,you crave publicity and a few days notoriety,by all means
feel free to walk Fido,after all,its easier than spending a few weeks on a reality T.V. show .


Dr Maroon said...

Carcass is a great word; we should use it more often. On hill farms if the farmer approaches you with a gun while Bonzo snaps at the sheep, do not be alarmed. He is almost certainly going to shoot the sheep. They hate them.

Dr Maroon said...

How two allegedly sentient beings took the wrong meaning from my comment is beyond me, but I have put in an explanation at Jokemail.