Thursday, October 16, 2008

And then...............................

The following takes us beyond the edge of decency, again, if you are easily

offended, I thought I told you to fuck off.

After the night I had just experienced I knew I could die a

happy man, but not just yet, not without a drink first, at least.

My temple was throbbing as much as my "head" was

last night.

" I suppose a drink is out of the question."

WHACK. Mbosi lashed the hilt across my shin.

He was not a large man, rather on the small side, petite even,

all right, he was a fuckin' dwarf and the little bollix was enjoying

our present circumstance.

" Fuck you, I want a drink."


Thinks......... " Rule 1, Do not aggravate a Dwarf with a bayonet "

" I am not happy." said Mbosi.

" well which one are you ?" God help me, I couldn't resist it.


Obviously not the first time he heard it.

Thinks............ " Rule 2, for fuck's sake, heed rule 1.

" Mr. Barney, you have something I and my large organization

want and need."

" If you keep flicking that bayonet, you'll have something I

want and need."


Thinks.................... " Jaysus.", says............

" Fuck you, shortarse, who let you out ? "


" Where did you learn to scam ? You must've gone to the

George Bush school of scamming.

WHACK WHACK...........................WHACK.

Thinks.................... Rule 1, rule 1, for fucks sake, rule 1.

" Do you know," says the little bollix, I was quite hoping you'd

be un-cooperative, we'll see how cocky you are when we're

finished with you." He reached down and produced a small

leather case and slowly unzipped it.

" O.K. Rosie, you know what to do."

Jesus, did she know. Out of the case he palmed a video camera

as Rosie begun to caress my tenderest bits. It was plain to all

that I was heroically trying to ignore Rosie's devilish ministrations,

no more than reasonably successfully when Katya intervened.

" Perhaps I can encourage him." she said slyly and Mbosi

nodded his agreement.

Thinks....................I'm bolloxed now.

She rummaged about on the table and came up behind me

with a tumbler full of Hennessy, cradled my head with one

hand and poured the French-style water-of-life into my

parched mouth and I could've sworn she gave me a con-

piratorial wink as she did so, she also " cradled " my other

bits when she'd emptied the glass.

It wasn't exactly my idea of torture, I thought, as the

brandy kicked in and the chemicals of the previous night

released their residue. I'll tell you one thing, that Rosie

knew her job, I'd swear she could suck the chrome off a

tow-bar ball-hitch. I closed my eyes and let nature and

Rosie take its course and just as the fireworks started,

the fireworks started.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


The following narration takes us to the very edge of decency and good

taste so anyone among you who is easily offended can fuck off right now.

I don't know who or what they were expecting but
whatever it was, I wasn't it.
I had arrived hot and bothered with my feet feeling
like a pair of pig's trotters so I stripped off bollick-
naked and guzzled the contents of my little bar and
rang down to order more ,Hennessy, Smirnoff Blue and
Jaegermeister, at least pint bottles thereof, and don't
make me go down to yis, or there'll be wigs on the Green.
So I perforformed my ablutions, s,s&s and was busy
modelling one of those towelly dressing-gowns, Jesus,
do they not make them in mens sizes ? Think of a cross
between a Sixties Brigitte Bardot and the Incredible Hulk,
nice legs though.
My reverie was interupted by a light tap on the door, too
light for a porter, I thought, as I answered and how
right I was because what met my gaping face was one
of the tallest, darkest, most sensual women I had ever
clapped eyes on followed by an even more exotic blonde.
" Mr. Mbosi sent us to keep you company until he can
join us." purred Rosie
" He hopes you will excuse his tardiness " added Katya
as they introduced themselves.

They then proceeded to do more for me than any
woman has done for a long time. Katya managed to
tune Sky Sports in ,which I had been unable to do,
while Rosie poured me a tumbler of Smirnoff Blue
and rang room service for some Champagne and 3
plates of Lobster Thermidor, the speciality of the
As the evening passed I pretended not to notice them
adding something to each drink they fixed for me and
I can't say what it was thay added, I do, however,
know what I added to theirs. You have never lived
'til you see the effect an Ecstacy and a Cialis tablet
have on even the most modest of women, and this
pair of beauts were certainly far from modest.
I popped a couple of Dexys myself in case whatever
they had given me was not strong enough and
watched them getting jiggy with each other, suffice
to say, there was not a dry seat in the house.
Such a fucking night we had, or should that be the
other way around.
I was awakened rather roughly the next morning
by our Mr. Mbosi, as I discovered him to be,
poking a knife into my goolies and when I tried to
jump up found my wrists handcuffed to either
side of the Four-poster.
He held in his hand a bayonet of some sort with a large hilt

affixed to a blade which must have been at least a foot long

and he was flicking at my balls as a fisherman would flick lice off

a wild Salmon.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Never saw it coming.

" What would you like for Christmas this year?"
"There is nothing you have not given me already."
"But there must be something, my darling."
"Absolutely nothing, my precious "
" Would you like a new hat ? "
"I have at least twenty."
"A nice grey Homburg, my dearest ? "
"I really don't think so, light of my life. "
"Matching gloves and scarf, blood of my veins ? "
" Really Ellie, there is nothing I want "
"My poor Nikki, you've been so down lately that I
just wanted to take your mind off things."
"Things will improve in the new year, you'll see, we
might take a long weekend somewhere."
"Really Nikki, Where would we go ?"
"Oh, anywhere, Moscow, perhaps."
" Thats exactly what we need, I really don't think I
can cope with any more bad news at the moment,
its just one thing after another."
"I've told you ,dearest Ellie, we'll be allright, we
did not make the same silly mistakes all the
others made."
" But they all seemed so strong, so secure."
" Their foundations were shaky and they took their
eyes off the ball, gave too much, too easily."
" Its heartbreaking to see them drop, one by one."
" It won't happen here, dearest Elena "
" you said it wouldn't happen in Poland." She sighed,
" Or Hungary, or Czechoslovakia and two weeks ago,
" We've ruled here for 21 years, they wouldn't dare,
besides, the people love us." said Nicolae.

One week later, this happened on Christmas Day 1989.

I wonder was it the same for the Aztecs just before the end?
Were the citizens of Rome, even as Aleric and his horde of
Visigoths advanced on their once great city, still hoping for
some kind of miracle, as their leaders faffed about with
mickey-mouse solutions ? Did they not see the end coming?
Do we ?

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Who wants to be ..........................

For my friends, Doc. & Kim.....

Some of you may have been wondering where I was and
what I was up to for the last while and the simple answer is

that it's none of your damn business, sorry, only joking.

Funnily enough , the truth is much stranger than any

fiction my warped mind could conjure so brace yourselves,

pour a stiff one and sit back while I relate all that I can

remember about the beginning of an eventful time. If there

is any lie in what follows, it wasn't me who put it there and

all characters are non-ficticious.

Malicia and me had been going through one of our rough

passages, not the marriage, I hasten to add, that was as

bad as ever and nothing changes there but financially

things were getting a bit ropey with some of the tenants

falling behind with their rent. Then there had been a

series of bad decisions made on the oul' equine front but

worst of all my Organic Local Farmer's Market stall had

been closed down by the Corporation because of a raft

of spurious suggestions, allegations and petitions that my

goods were not organic or local and furthermore had the

flimsiest aquaintance with farmers of any description. I

might be able to grow figs, kiwi fruit and blood oranges for all

they knew, the fuckers, organic ones at that.

Things had become so bad that Malicia had to forego her daily

chin, moustache and leg waxing sessions and go twice weekly

instead. If the situation got any worse I would have to send

some of my girlfriends back Pole-dancing while any further

deterioration in my finances would necessitate taking some

of the Gardai off my payroll, don't talk to me about appalling


So there I was one morning about to start a busy day at the

office, i.e. log into Betfair, when I decided to check my

e-mails and holy fuck, hadn't all my prayers been answered.

There it was, in black and white, hadn't I only gone and won

$ 1.5 million on the Nigerian Lottery. Now this was a complete

surprise to me as I had completely forgotten to play it that

week so I could only assume that they were working a back-

week or something like that. Now I know what you're thinking

and I had heard some vague rumours as well about possible

scams emanating from Nigeria but this notification was from

a bank manager so God bless their little black arses was all I

could think, my just reward for all the pennies I gave to

" the Black Babies " as a chiseller, fair play to me. All I had to

do was to send some of my bank details to a Mr. Mbosi at the

Royal Nigerian Bank in Lagos. Fuckin' sure, says I, and I did.

I suppose you know whats coming next, well you don't,

smart-arse. I went on an unholy bender for 10 days and

only finished when I came to in Holyhead in a taxi on the

way to a Registry Office where a "Quare One " had

persuaded me to marry her, but thats another story and I'll

tell you about it some other time.

So I sneaked home, waited for Malicia to leave and went in

to check the mail. Sweet Gee, do you know what was left in

my bank account, of course you do, there was sweet fuck-all.

The sneaky fuckers had only gone and sucked out my com-

plete overdraft of 167,453 euros and 49 cents, which the

bank had been trying to retrieve for ages, and left me with

no hold over the bank manager, and worse still, no winnings.

Even to my addled brain those exchange rates didn't calculate

correctly and $1.5 mill. did not equal E 167,453.49 so I

reckoned someone owed me about 950.000 euros, fuck it,

call it a million and I'll say nothing. Now, who to collect it

from ?, and where could I find this little bollix, Mbosi.

You won't believe this, but just then the 'phone rang and

who do you think it was, yes, some fucker selling kitchens,

and while I was giving him his pedigree the 'phone bleeped

and this time who was it only the bould Mbosi himself,

bold as brass.

" I think we should meet, Mr Barney. " says he.

" Theres some explaining to be done all right." says I.

Which is how I found myself in the top floor suite of

the Sheraton Lagos Hotel and Towers.


Such was the power of this blog that two days after
that last posting the sneaky little bollix resigned and
as some of you may know, Ireland voted to reject the
Lisbon Treaty and hopefully save Europe from even
more Scutterology ( abuse of power by unelected
un-civil servants).