Friday, January 13, 2006


I suppose its my own fault for not sorting the little
cunt out as soon as I copped him,but at first I thought
I was imagining things.After all it wouldn't be the
first time I saw things that weren't there.

I must digress here for a minute and tell you about
a friend of mine who trained greyhounds.He had just
received ten rabbits which he was to "show" to the
dogs and next morning found they had all escaped.
Frank lived in a fairly built-up area and not wishing
to alert the neighbours about what he had been up to
was searching as inconspicuously as possible for his
runaways.He peeped over a neighbour's fence and
saw the occupant staring goggle-eyed out the back-
garden.Now this man was a hard-core alcoholic and
was obviously the worse for wear,as he opened the
window he screamed out

"Jaysus Frank,I've just seen the biggest rat I ever saw
in my life."

Did you ever notice how nobody ever sees a small rat,its

"I've just seen a big fuckin' rat ." Its never a medium rat
or a baby rat,no its always a big,huge fuckin' rat.

Suffice to say I did nothing about it as my first reaction
to any problem is to put it on the back-boiler.I had a
good idea that my wildlife wasn't a rat so I wasn't that
concerned,but by fuck,mice can make some mess,the
little cunts.I didn't bother with traps as they're too
messy and anyway I didn't tell anyone that we had
visitors so traps would have been a bit of a giveaway.
Besides I've always thought that the best way to get rid
of vermin is to feed them,so there are a few mice with
sore bellies in the Barney household at the moment.

The only good thing about having mice is that you know
they'll never stick around where a rat is living.


michael the tubthumper said...

i hate the fuckers

get a cat

fatmammycat said...

Don't bother, then you'll be stuck with them too. I have three bastard cats and while they are excellent at killing stuff, you can see I'm not feeling very charitable towards them today. Especially the one-eyed one. He's just plain mean.

fatmammycat said...

Oh my God!I have just this second realised that friday is competely fucking pointless if you are off the drink. And I thought this day could not get any worse. Damn you tribulation!

the anti-barney said...

Fmc and Michael,I used to have cats
but they were fuck-all use at catching vermin.Fur-balls is all they ever produced.Fri.13 could get worse Fmc.,you could be going for a wax.

Dr. E. Scientist, phD. said...

Christ, a Friday without drink?

I'm so sorry.

Foot Eater said...

Fuck cats. Dogs are the bollocks.

Dr Maroon said...

We had mice. I baited the trap with peanut butter and I was carefully pushing it behind the cooker thing with a broom handle…Snap. Christ Maroon you clumsy bugger, try again. Jesus Mary and Joseph! One dead mouse. More peanut butter, trap reset, back in you go. This time I got as far as the press to put the brush back…Snap. Holey Corrolly! Another one. Trap reset a third time, back behind the stove. Next day a third! We haven’t had them since. Either they loved peanut butter or they fucking hated the house. In the country, you soon realise that the place is heaving with all sorts of wildlife and vermines, the farmers are too mean to use enough chemicals and poisons.