Monday, January 23, 2006

Just Wondering......

I know there are clever and devious cunts out there
and I was just wondering what you would do to annoy
a contrary and troublesome neighbour who is in the
process of laying a new and expensive lawn.It is now
ready for seeding.All hypothetical,of course.

13 comments:

Dr Maroon said...

The standard one is to write

" I am a CUNT "

with a watering can of weedkiller over the lawn one night. However, I have found it works much better if you use liquid fertiliser (at the right concentration) instead. That WILL drive him nuts.

Dr Maroon said...

Have you lost your links?
if you edit your last post and remove half the full stops (periods) from the title..........

and on that subject, why not just invite the bastsrd round for a drink? you never know you might like him or is he from Cork?

the anti-barney said...

Thanks doc.,I was just about to get the screwdriver out.Its gone beyond a drink and I ment REALLY annoy,as in planting organic Claymores (not the Scottish ones).

Foot Eater said...

AB, as it's ready for seeding you could spread your own seed over it, and watch in nine months' time as a whole crop of little Barney-haters sprouted from buds. Bet that would really fuck him off.

the anti-barney said...

Yis are only a shower of oul'wans
Just for that I'm not going to tell you what I do to the fuckers lawn.

Dr Maroon said...

OK. You find someone, if you can, who works with cadavers. get a corpse or failing that as many different spare body parts (bone in) as you can. Before the seeds are sown, you bury said stiff and flatten all around.
Wait three months.
Just after the second cutting, phone the police anonymously and report seeing your neighbour burying something that looked like a body one night under his lawn.
Stand back and watch the cunt get out of that one.

SafeTinspector said...

Best thing you can do is wait until late at night. Plug his furnace exhaust chimney with damp rags, and then disable any carbon monoxide alarms in his house. To speed things along, tape around his windows and doors.
Wait until morning, and collect his remains from the bedroom (remember to air out the house before entering it)

Dress him up in too-small women's clothing and then forge a suicide note in which he confesses that Michael Oakeshott has been speaking to him from a cleverly concealed speaker implanted in the head of his penis. Further, the letter should read, every time he had an erection the voice of Oakeshott would extoll the virtues of furnace efficiency.
Staple this note to the center of his cold forehead and lay him out in the yard the morning the sod is to be installed.


Retreat to your home and await the arrival of the landscape workers.

You may wish to have a camera at the ready.

the anti-barney said...

Now you're suckin' diesel.

Foot Eater said...

Fuck me, you're a hard one to please. All right, then, make anonymous calls to the local police station alleging he's a kiddie-fiddler, then, while he's away for questioning, seed his lawn, his car and his dog with strontium-90. Then move.

Dr Maroon said...

SafeTinspector, you've taken that too far! Way too far.

Hey Barney, you notice that foot eater tried to change the subject. The cunt's shit scared you start asking him for the odd arm or leg.

Dr Maroon said...

Reading this again, what worries me is that it's obvious that SafeT has gone away and thought this one through. You never know what you're gonna get.

Dr. E. Scientist, phD. said...

I was going to suggest seeding the fresh tilled earth with pot seeds, but SafeT's approach is far better.

the anti-barney said...

Thank you all for your suggestions,especially the Strontium one,as I was thinking along the same lines i.e.serious illness resulting in the end of family line,the cunt.