Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Hear no Evil

So there I was,caught red-handed loading ten boxes of
bananas into my van aided by the two thieves who had
stolen them.Their rightful owner had followed the thieves
and his goods (at a safe distance ) and was not best pleased.
He insisted on calling the Piggies despite him knowing me
or maybe because of it ,and furthermore insisted on
charges being brought,in face of my protestations of
innocence in any wrongdoing.

After being charged in the Bridewell with" Receiving
stolen Goods "I cursed my luck and headed across
to Ormond Quay to get myself a Solicitor.Now anybody
who reads this blog or any anonymous cunts who know
me already know my opinion of Solicitors as being the
lowest of the low,the second oldest profession in the World,
and not nearly as honourable as the oldest.The reason that
I wanted to use a stranger was because my own Solicitor is
quite expensive and anyway,it was none of his business,also
I considered Receiving to be too trivial to bother too much

If you knew this area,you'd know there is an infestation of
solicitors in the area,each one seedier than the last,the one
I randomly picked turned out to be the seediest of the lot,
a Dickensian character the great man himself would have
been delighted to conjure.I outlined my case to him,how it
was my business to buy and sell fruit and veg.,and,of course,
the cheaper I bought,the better.I assured him that I had no
idea the bananas were stolen and that it was common
practise not to be issued with receipts for cash purchases.

He leaned back in his plastic-covered chair and regarded me
over the top of his spectacles,

"So you'd no idea they were stolen ?"


"None whatever ?"

"Thats right "

"You met these men and you bought ten boxes of bananas
off them,even though they were stolen ?"

"I didn't know they were stolen,how could I ?"

"You're sure you didn't know?"

"I'm sure."

"Are you positive ?",all the time with a straight face. We
stared at each other for a few seconds,then,

"What sort of an imbecile do you take me for ? Of course
I knew they were stolen."

He went fucking ballistic and shouted,

"How dare you tell me you knew they were stolen and
expect me to defend you in Court,Don't ever tell me that


the two cunts who signed statements involving me were
found not guilty of theft but guilty of Stealing by finding,
received fines and suspended sentences.
The charge against me was dropped,due to lack of evidence,
and the solicitor who got 80 pounds off me before telling
me the charge was dropped (80 pounds was a lot of money in
the late 70s ),I never saw again,


fatmammycat said...

Barney is right! One should never bother one's day to day solicitor for the trivial stuff, especially as across the Ha'penny bridge solicitors can be found loitering like migrant fruitpickers or rentboys. My own solicitor, a pipe-smoking rumble voiced sage is on speed dial. Unfortuantely he screens his calls and I am convinced he thus far has avoided any call from me that didn't involve my parting with cash.
I have a friend Barney, who is a Barrister, very high up, if you ever want to see a case of over kill witness me dragging him to my defense for parking violations. The cops don't even bother showing up any more.

Dr Maroon said...

This is all very well your honour, but were these fair trade bananas or just any old shite.

FMC is right! They are just rentboys, but it's us that's doing the bending.

The morale of all this? Spend the £80 on souping up the van. "Catch us now ya arseholes"

Dr Maroon said...

I've lost an e somewhere.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Stealing bananas is a serious offence where I come from. Do you not have the barristers with the wigs in Ireland? I like them.

fatmammycat said...

AS long as you didn't lose it on the floor of your work, you are safe Doc.
Barney, should sex shops be banned in Ireland? TV3(whispered) poll. Erm, no.

Dr Maroon said...

When you bring the steak out and tease him with it...Fucking brilliant! 10 minutes. fucking brilliant.

Dr Maroon said...

Wheres fucking Glark?

the anti-barney said...

The cunts after eating 1/2 my site,
I'll play with him in the morning,

the anti-barney said...

G.B.,of course stealing bananas is a serious offence,but receiving found bananas is not.They do ware wigs here but you would not need a barrister in the lower courts.

Fmc.,not only should Sex shops not be banned,they should be compulsary visiting for all couples.

fatmammycat said...

Oh, they're going on with the usual old guff, blah blah, we don't approve, sex shops should have a special license to open, typical fucking councillors, they want to have it both ways.