Monday, February 13, 2006

Caught by the Short n' Curlies.

Valentine's Day me bollix.

Valentine's day has been cancelled in our house due to lack of
romance,and all other forms of communication.Suffice to say
the atmosphere is so cold that you could hang meat there.Now
having spent the best years of my life in the dog-house,this
is not unknown territory for me but on this occasion the fault
lies not with me.

The Weekend had started off pleasantly enough when my
present wife,Malicia,invited her cousin Carol and her husband
out for the Saturday to celibrate my Birthday and we were
to go out for nose-bag on the Saturday night.All went fine
and dandy through the afternoon when we went out for a
few bevvies,watched the match and backed a few
losers,nothing extraordinary,so far so good.At around 5 bells
we headed back to our house to freshen-up and get ready
for the night out.

Malicia was arsing around in the kitchen,Carol and Jim were
watching telly when I went upstairs to take a shower.So
there I was,lathered-up and cleaning myself in a mild and
inoffensive manner,singing a light-hearted ditty,

"Innn me prison cell I sit,with me finger dipped in shitttt

and the shadow of me bollix on the waaalllllll",

when the lovely Carol eased the shower-curtain open a
little and smiling in at me purred sugestively,

"I have a special Birthday treat for you.......",

and a hand reached in and cupped my lathered Town-Halls.

Well holy gee,the hundred thoughts,all unprintable,that
flashed through my mind were interupted by hysterical
giggling from outside the curtains.

Malicia and Carol,doubled up laughing,with Malicia
wiping the soap from her hand,pair of bitches.

"If you could've seen your face,Barney",chortled Carol.

"I knew it was you",I spluttered to Malicia.

Like lots of things in my life,it all ended in tears.The next
morning,in the cold sober light of Malicia's day,

"You would've too,you dirty bastard "

"I didn't do anything "

"You didn't try to stop her,you dirty oul' melt "

"But but but "

Move over Glark.


Foot Eater said...

Fucking hell, AB. You mean that sort of shit carries on even after you've got married?

the anti-barney said...

Footsie,it only starts after you get married.

fatmammycat said...

Damned if you do, damned if you don't, my advice would be to get a lock on the bathroom door.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Try the "Mother Nature" line, AB. Tell her you might well have because it's all down to Mother Nature. Worth a try.

El Barbudo said...

Fuck, that's tough AB

Your wife will not want to hear the "mother nature" line.

Unfortunately I can tell you from experience that "well if I had, I'd have been thinking of you" doesn't work either.

Maja said...

Hahahaha I can't help but laugh at your misfortune. It's so unfair it's just hilarious.

Monstee said...

"Bigamy is having one spouse too many; monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde

You think if you and Jim had pulled that prank on her, YOU would be the bad guy?

the anti-barney said...

G.B.,the laws of Nature are ignored equally with the laws of Justice in our house.
I showed the other comments to Malicia in the hope of getting a sympathetic review.She told me to tell you all to fuck off and mind your own business and that you don't know me like she does.

Andraste said...

Jesus, AB - she's just so wrong on so many levels. You have my sympathy.