Sunday, February 19, 2006

Muslims are just a shower of Chancers.

Well the first thing you'd have to do would be to find out what
their day-jobs were,I mean people who can't draw and have a
sense of humour any Muslim would be proud of (None),cannot
possibly be full-time cartoonists.Then,having tracked them
down and despatched them by whatever means your mood
took you,having hacked their heads off,wrapped each head
individually in cling-film and plastic and deposited them in
your freezer,then what ?There you are with five heads in your
freezer along with all the other stuff that shouldn't be there,
you could get into real trouble if they caught you with all
that Venison,not to mention that Slaney Salmon you've no
business having.Who do you see about collecting the Bounty?

You can't just go knocking on the door of the Pakistani
Embassy and ask to see the..... .Who would you ask for ?

"May I help you? "

"I want to see yer man."

"What man ?"

"You know yourself,yer MAN.",you winking theatrically.

"What man are you talking about,is there something wrong
with your eye ? "

"Stick him up your arse,ya little bollix."

Clint Eastwood never had that problem when he brought in
a shit-load of bodies for the reward.There he'd arrive in
some shit-hole of a town,all the inhabitant's without a pot
to piss in between them,and the Sheriff peels Thousands
of dollars off a roll of notes he keeps just for that purpose.

The Muslims are just a shower of Chancers because they
think nobody will kill the "Cartoonists" and even if they
did their money would be safe due to the difficulty in
collecting it.Anyone can offer any amount of money if you
know you will never have to pay out,its high time some-
body called their bluff.

I had the very same problem that time I had Salman Rushdie
cornered a few years ago.I had been stalking the sleepy-eyed
little cunt for weeks and finally caught up with him in Hessle,
a small town just outside Hull.His body-guards were sleeping,
with the aid of a pair of Roofies in their coffee and I had him
to myself,deciding whether to use my knife or bare hands.He
deserved to die just for being an ugly little bastard and for
the torment he caused me when I read a chapter of his poxy
oul' book,but this was purely for the money.For a million
pounds I'd bite his fuckin' head off his shoulders and walk to
Iran,carrying his dripping features in a Tesco bag.

In all fairness to him he showed more composure than I would
have,under the same circumstances,but I did notice that his
eyes were more saucer-like than in any of his photographs
I had studied.He said,matter-of -factly and with an air of

"You are going to kill me ?" I nodded.

"What do you hope to gain by my death ?"

"A million pounds."

"Ah,I see, a bounty hunter."

"I suppose so,if you put it like that."

"From whom do you propose to collect this money ?"

"The Muslims."

"Which Muslims ?"

"Any fuckin' Muslim,they all hate you.",but he had sowed the
first seeds of doubt in my mind.

"If you go to the wrong person you're likely to be beheaded

"Still,some fucker'll pay money for your head.",and I took
a step towards him.

"I,on the other hand, can guarantee you have a successful
outcome to this,shall we say,adventure."

"How much success are we talking about here ?"

"What would you like to drink while we discuss your success."

Which is how myself and me oul' pal Salman ended up in
the horrors and next day found me with six thousand,
Sterling,in my pocket,along with twenty Kruggerands.


Kim Ayres said...

I do hope there's a part 2 to this story.

Monstee said...

You make VERY good point AB!
Me guess good rule of thumb am to never kill a man for money unless you got the contacts first. Which me don't. So me guess me just go back to shagging movie stars.

Yeah, what you alluding to there at end?

Gorilla Bananas said...

I'm glad I wasn't the only one puzzled and intrigued by the last paragraph. But you can tell these people are full of hot air because anyone who really had a million bucks would hire a contract killer instead of hoping some ruffian with a knife would get lucky. Not that you're a ruffian, AB. From your tracking down of Old Rushdie, I'd say you were more like Clint.

Dr Maroon said...

Ah the Kruggerand. There was always a lot of jiggery pokery with them. Happy days.
You were right to agree to the old "Let's have a drink and talk it over" routine, bet you've used it yourself.
You've hit a blogging purple patch with this reminiscing.
I just hope you're thinking ahead and changing the names to protect the innocent because you might be my cousin John.

the anti-barney said...

Monstee and G.B.,you are on the ball,but the recent increase of the bounty up to 1 Million makes me wonder if I can find a way to extract it from them.

Doc. and Kim,you can piss off as I'm still jealous that you got to meet at the weekend,pair of rotters.

Kim Ayres said...

If you ever decide to cross the water to Stranraer, I'm only an hour or so along the A75.