Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Taking the Piss

I don't hate women drivers,nor do I belong to that school of thought that compares
women drivers to dogs walking on their hind legs.I.e.its not how well or badly they do it,its
amazing they can do it at all.No,I don't hate women drivers,I hate all fuckin' drivers.Each and
every one of the bastards have no other purpose in life but to delay and irritate me.They come from miles away to cut me up,slow me down and block my gateway.I get road-rage
just thinking about making a journey.Some gobshite in my local suggested that as I am
inactive at the moment,I might consider trying my hand at taxi-driving,me who hates fuckin'
people and abhors fuckin' driving.On the other hand maybe they're the exact qualifications

By a strange and cruel twist of irony,my sister.Jennie,has decided to start driving,not a
problem as such,except that I've become involved in the whole process.I'd had no intentions
of interfering untill I heard she was searching through "Buy & Sell " for a car.Now I know
what type of cunt sells stuff in this rag,having unloaded plenty of shite in it myself,and I
would'nt buy anything off me.To cut a long story short,I organized a grand little runner
for her and its been out in my driveway since.Jennie,being the honest,straight and decent
person that she is (she's the white sheep of the family ),taxed and insured the car and booked
herself a set of driving lessons,two Months ago.

Fair enough,sez you,ten one hour everything right,bobs your uncle,but all the lessons have been in the instructors own dual-controlled car,not worth a bollix, sez I.So,
last Sunday,bright and early,I collected Jennie,to let her drive her own car,acclimatise,if you
will,and to give her some experience and confidence.Well,she was'nt too bad,no worse or
better than any other learner,but I'm fucked if I know what she's been taught for ten lessons,
it must have been knitting or the theory of evo-fuckin'-lution,but it certainly was'nt driving.
It transpired that she had never been in fourth gear,and when we pulled in to an empty
car-park to do some reversing,she'd never tried that either.What.Any semi-competent
half-witted imbecile of an instructor could train a monkey to drive in ten fuckin hours.As I
said,its not as if Jennie is any better or worse than any other learner,and all drivers are not the same ,but ten hours instruction without touching fourth gear or reverse is what I call
taking the piss.


Andraste said...

In my first ever driving lesson, I drove through three of the busiest, least sensical areas of Boston, and Cambridge. Not to "toot my own horn," (eugh, sorry), but I was impressive. I asked important questions (explain to me the concept of "blind spot" and who has right of way in these particular situations, etc.) After three more lessons, I had my license. My instructor spent more time talking sports as I drove around, than actually instructing me, and I STILL learned more than it sounds like your sister did in all those lessons.

I'm not the best driver in the world, still very inexperienced and a bit timid, but I drive a big truck, so people get the fuck out of my way. It's nice.

the anti-barney said...

Thars what I'm saying Andraste,It's
not the learners I'm blaming,Its
the poxy instructors.

Dr Maroon said...

Is she away? Right! Come on, theres no way women should be allowed to drive, we all know this. Ever seen them at roundabouts? Kerrist! Reversing! Parking at the supermarket! I mean these are things you've got to do all the time. What about antici---pation! If we know what's going to happen how come they don't? No I'm sorry, sell the car and go to Cheltenham, you'd be doing everyone a favour.

Andraste said...

Gotcha! I was just hiding.

C'mon Doc. We all know it's not that they're bad drivers, it's just timidity. From lifetimes spent listening to shit cliches about it.

LindyK said...

Someday when I'm rich and powerful, I'm going to build a Lindy Expressway which only I (and people approved by me) can drive... that way I'll never have to deal with ignorant idiot cunts driving on my road -- the penalty for trespassers will be death, of course... so Andraste, if you want to get in on this plan, maybe we can get a bicoastal infrastructure going... (of course, by the time I'm rich and powerful, we'll probably all own flying cars, Jetson style or some shite... but hey...)

the anti-barney said...

I am going to Cheltenham and while there I shall check out Olivia and
tell her what youre REALLY like.

Andraste said...

Yeah, Lindy, I'm in. While we're at it, can we have a NO FUCKING CELL PHONES rule? Every time I'm close to being in an accident, the other driver is ALWAYS chatting away, oblivious...and completely wrong.

LindyK said...

Yes we can! But if we're having a cell phone rule, we've got to have a No Putting On Makeup While Driving rule, too -- some bitch nearly ran me off the road yesterday putting on her fuckin mascara instead of driving her stupid Kia... dumb bitch...