Monday, November 07, 2005

Another Day at the Races

It's happened to all of us at some point,there you are enjoying a drink,in a mild and
inoffensive manner,when you are approached by the house "tapper".There is a tapper or bum
in every bar or pub that was ever opened and sometimes the tapper is also a "Character",thus
being well worth the tap for the entertainment he may provide.Tapping is a great tradition in
Ireland,and recent history shows that one of the great bums of our time,one C.J.Haughey,
went on to be leader of our great little fucking country.But I digress,and we'll come back to
that little bollocks at a later date.Sometimes you'd be caught on the hop and have to" donate"
a fiver,tenner or whatever,more often than not you'd tell him to fuck off,and off he'd fuck.
Occasionally the tapper being so notorious that as you know he'll catch you sometime,its far
easier to "lend" him a fiver early on,knowing you might as well flush it down the toilet,but at
least he can never ask you again,ever,thems the rules,pub etiquette if you like.

Yesterday we'd arranged to go to Leopardstown,myself,Harry the Gelding and his father-
in-law.Harry was so called because of his habit of losing,no matter what the occasion.Be it
horses, dogs or poker,whenever one was to ask of Harry's financials,the answer invariably
would be a simple "I lost me bollix."Harry has lost his bollix so many times they're going to
bury him at the National Stud when he expires.He is genuinely fond of Paddy,his mot's oul'
man,and they get on great together ,more like brothers,and have had many a session together.We collected Paddy and headed off,Harry shoved a Twenty into Jimmy's pocket
just in case,amid feeble protestations it must be said,for Paddy had been looking forward to
this outing for weeks and had been gathering his own acorns,so he was on the pigs back,
flush with money and brandy.

I was fairly inactive at the races partly because of the heavy going but mostly because
I wanted to keep my powder dry for Cheltenham next weekend.I did a little harm to my
gambling pocket while my drinking pocket was full,and as any regular racegoer will tell you,
ne'er the twain shall meet.Further post-race analyses showed Paddy to have won a few bob*
While Harry,strangely enough, lost his bollix.Never being the types to let little setbacks like
losing money interfere with good a day out,we headed back to Paddy's local for anesthetics.

There is nothing Paddy likes better than showing off his son-in law to the locals,as Harry
never fails to make a fuss of him and usually buys a round for the shop whenever he goes
there,even if he had'nt a pot to piss in at the time.Paddy had managed to flash his wad at the
counter and we were settled in to our second round of drinks (three family-size Hennessy's and three pints ) when the inevitable happened.Tom the tapper sleeveened up behind Paddy
and whispered in his ear.Well Paddy's eyes twinkled mischieviously,he winked at Harry and
whispered ,loudly enough for the whole pub to hear;
"Begod Tom,I usually keep a tenner for lending,"pausing to pat his top pocket,"but it's out
at the moment,and as soon as it comes back I'll let you have it".
Fuckin' deadly**,you want to see the face of the poor fucker as he slunk away,as he'd neither
been refused nor granted the tenner.I will certainly use that in the future,fuckin' deadly.**

* Few bob ;in racing parlance a few bob can be any amount from fifty cents to thousands of
euro/pounds/dollars,the exact amount is never elaborated upon by gentlemen,and never,ever in front of the women.

**Fuckin' deadly;great,super,excellent.Always used in the positive,eg.The concert was


Dr Maroon said...

This concept of keeping drinking money separate from other monies is alien to me. It comes across as, well, Germanic!

Dr Maroon said...

Sleeveened is a great word. We should use it more. Do they still sell cigars and lights at the races? You are quite wrong by the way, I have a sense of humour, but I underwent a double charisma bypass last year and I’m still waiting for a personality transplant.

A light bulb goes on !
I put it to YOU that YOU are the culprit. And here’s me blaming 20 major or big beardy. A terrrrrible calamity, I must brood on this….

El Barbudo said...

Culprit? What are you fucking on about Doc? You were blaming me or 20 major and now anti-B for what?

Yer wurse than Hen Broon* fer yer wurryin' 'n frettin' Doc Maroon. Speak some sense will ye no?

*The Broons are a Scottish cartoon family - forerunners of the Simpsons, but with more porridge.

SexyBeauty said...

Dr Maroon - have you not yet cottoned on to the fact that Anti Barney and Twenty Major are one and the same!

the anti-barney said...

This does not surprise me as the
concept of using any money is alien
to your entire race.When one has
lost as often as I have at the races,one tries to keep some money
aside for drinky-poo's on the way home.Re.culpability thingy,you've
lost me,I put my hand up for Olivia
but thats all,yer judgeship.

Dr Maroon said...

How dare you put your hand anywhere near that fine lady.
She's posted another poem btw.
Hmm, I withdraw your accusation unreservedly without a stain on my character.
It was just an imposter El B, probably just a warning shot telling me to behave on other blogs.
I hope Andraste looks at the Broons, I asked her about them before.

the anti-barney said...

Dearest sexybeauty,I assume that to be your portrait adorning todays
Japing ape,much as I am flattered by your comment,I suspect twenty
will be far less so.

Dr Maroon said...

Dour? Me? You want to see the cunts I work with. I'm Dale fucking Winton by comparison.

In an act of conciliatory good faith I have reverted the link.

the anti-barney said...

Fair enough Dale,I should never have accused you of having a sense
of humor.