Christy's Pringles

The powers that be have just informed me that this year
the Barney household will be having Christy's Pringles,at
least thats what I thought she said.After it was explained
to me,the one present giv and got,I still couldn't believe
my ears,I've never heard of anything so mean and
miserable in my life.Sez I,"have we turned into a fuckin'
Welsh family or what,or Jews or Scots,for fucks sake,
miserable cunts."To make things worse,like most evil,
horrible and mean things in the world today,the idea
comes from mother sour-tits herself,the Great Satan.
(Who else can I insult today while I'm at it ?)Out of all
the shite they send us,and lets face it,some people seem to
like Mc Donalds,and cow's lips and eyebrows have to go
somewhere,toxic cooking oil has to be used up,single
fathers need somewhere to waddle to at the weekends
with their obese offspring,out of all the things, they
could've kept Kris poxbottle Kringle and stuck it up
their septic satanic arses.Dirty evil miserable cunts.

I've never fallen for that oul shite that its better to
give than to receive,what a load of bollocks.It must
have been thought of by those same gobshites who
are waiting to inherit the earth,but even those soppy
cunts who believe that will only get the pleasure of
giving one present.Unless they joined several Kris
Kringle clubs,or whatever the fuck you call them,
and that would defeat the purpose anyway as he'd
still git as much as he giv.What a conundrum,We'll
need a so-fuckin'-doku expert to sort it out.

To make matters worse,we're supposed to give
and receive none too subtle hints about the expected
present.(Fuckin' singular )Now call me old-fashioned,
but I think Christmas shopping should be like sex,i.e.
exciting and spontanious,and should leave you
bolloxed when its over,financially or phsyically.
Imagine if sex was set to a timetable,"BE home at
7.45 dear,I'll have something warm for you to slip
into."Or,"we can't come to your party on Friday
as we ALWAYS have sex after the 9.30 news,
he'll be going down on me,won't you Frank."
See how long that relationship would last.

I'm not even a great lover of Christmas,it fills in
a few days while waiting for Leopardstown,the
real spirits of Christmas.I do like a few Christmas
songs,although I usually play them around June
just to annoy people,and am thoroughly sick of
them by 16th.Dec.But gazing into shop windows
at shit you can't afford and buying useless junk
that seemed like a good idea at the time is more
like my idea of giving presents.They're given
and received and forgotten in a few days,
except for that time I bought the mot a new
sewing-machine for which she's never
forgiven me.

Now that the decision has been made,and
there wasn't even a white paper for discussion,
not with me in any case,I shall have to go along
with it,but I'll still buy some crap that I'll like and
they probably won't,and Christmas day I'll
curse the Americans again,they should be shot
with balls of their own shite.

Its just occured to me that you don't have to
stay mad at the Americans for long as they're
always guaranteed to give you a new reason
to be pissed-off.