Thursday, March 02, 2006

Quick! Anyone got a Pen ?

Having gotten that last post off my chest I think we know each
other a bit better and now I feel its time our relationship moved
on to a new level.I'm going to let the defences down a little more
and tell you about a life-long secret ambition of mine,I have
been fascinated by the idea and determined to do one ever since
I heard of it.

Heres the thing,if and when we ever meet,never faint or collapse
in any way in my company or Ill cut a hole in your Windpipe
before anyone else has a chance to loosen your collar.You see I
always carry my razor-sharp knife everywhere for the sole
purpose of carrying out a Tracheotomy,not that I'm remotely
interested in saving a stranger's life or anything like that,I just
want to phsyically do it.

Two years ago I nearly got jail over it when a last minute
change of mind led me to wear a jacket I had previously
packed when travelling to Manchester.As soon as I walked
through security I remembered what was in my pocket.All
my bullshittin' came to no avail and now some security-cunt
at Dublin airport has my beautiful Lock-knife.However it has
since been replaced,at great expence,by a better one with
which you could actually shave yourself.

For the very reason that I carry my Knife,I never intention-
ally carry a pen,although my pockets always seem to have
at least two of those 1/2 pens you get in the Bookies.I
hate taking those fuckin' pens as I consider it bad luck to
steal them (not that I get much good luck if I don't) from
the shop.Funny thing about those 1/2 pens,even people
who have never darkened the door of a Bookie's have a
drawer-ful of the little bastards.Same as fish-boxes,is there
a garden in the world that hasn't got at least one of those
plastic fish-boxes in it ?

So anyway,having cut the hole in your victim's (?) Trachea,
you have to plead anxiously to the fascinated on-lookers,

"For the love of God,has anyone got a pen ?" and

"For fuck sake,move back and let the man get some air."

Then grabbing the pen,break the top off it and plunge it
with a flourish into the gurgling Windpipe.Fuckin' deadly,
and even if the cunt dies there are enough witnesses to
say that you performed heroics trying to save him.How
were you to know the cunt was Epileptic?

8 comments:

fatmammycat said...

Golly, you go away for a few days and all the big guns start blazing. Hola Barney my sweet. Glad you're not at all dead- I read the other post first.
You weren't by any chance around O'Connell street last saturday were you?

justin barker said...

Are you up for sucking the blood out so that we don't choke to death on it?

Ivan the Terrible said...

I make a point of carrying knives through airport security. Those web-toed retards running the machine are always so chuffed to find it that they tend to miss the 9mm in my underpants.

And no "only 9mm?" jokes, thank you very much. 9mm is a calibre of handgun, I'll have you know. Honestly - you're like kids, you are...

fatmammycat said...

I thought it was a type of film? Used for snuff movies?

Dr. E. Scientist, phD. said...

Brilliant!

Foot Eater said...

A tracheostomy hole makes an excellent place to park your cigarette while you're eating.

the anti-barney said...

No riots for me,Fmc.,I avoid anything to do with the "North" like the Plague.
Justin,your survival would be incidental to me,I just want to cut the hole and stick the biro in.
Ivan,welcome aboard,does your 9mm impress the ladies?
Howsitgoin' Doc.
Footsie,what do you take me for?,I would get someone to hold my fag while performing my operation.

LindyK said...

Wow, I love my sexy pen way too much to volunteer it as an operating utensil... I'm sure there's a way to perform said tracheotomy sans my pen. Not that I'm heartless... No really, I love my pen -- there's this one black one that writes so nicely, it's almost like... am I rambling?!