Thursday, March 23, 2006

Shake hands? Here,shake this.

I stopped going to mass before they brought in that horrible
part where you have to shake hands with the people around
you.On the rare occasions that I've been since I've been
looking around at the people whose hands I was going to have
to shake,watching them coughing and hocking and picking
their noses so that I'd have worked myself into a temper well
before the dreaded announcement;

Let us offer each other a sign of peace and forgiveness

and the whole congregation goes into a frenzy of hand-shaking
like New Years Eve but without the drink.All those filthy and
unhygenic hands,and thats apart from the fact that there are
very few people I wish peace upon,and even fewer that I wish
to forgive.

So anyway I had to go to a neighbour's funeral the other day,I
didn't have to,but you know what I mean.Besides I had wanted
to have a gawk at his son whom I hadn't for about 20 years
and to see if he had got any fatter,he had.He himself had been
a rotten oul' cunt all his life and I was delighted he was dead,
although I was also happy he was alive as the oul' bollocks had
spent the last ten years in a nursing home,eating them out of
house and home and selfishly refusing to die.If theres a better
place,I hope he never gets there.And the fuckin' Eulogy he
got,I was nearly going to jemmy the coffin open to see if it was
the same person I knew that they were talking about.

By the time we were due to shake hands at the funeral mass
I had worked myself into a foul mood and the only person I
shook hands with was Malicia and stared malevolently at all
others as they made shapes to shake, ugly oul' cunts.Are
Catholics the ugliest group of people in the Universe ? All
old, bent and miserable,every fuckin' one.In my younger days
there used to be a few half-decent looking wans at Mass that
you'd strain your neck gawking at but there was none at this

Still the pusses on the oul' wans I wouldn't shake hands with
was something to behold and I might start going again just
to relive that pleasure.


Binty McShae said...

Fuck that shit. I used to get taken to one of them happy-clappy proddie churches as a kid and they didn't stop at shaking hands. It was all fucking hugs and shit. Weirdy cunts!

Brewski said...

That hand-shaking thing is pathetic isn't it? Not the best expression of the fellowship of man. Let's all get down the boozer, that's where real religious love lies. Churches are only good for shagging.

fatmammycat said...

I love that at funerals, I always amuse myself by holding on to other people's hands for too long, it makes them nervous. Except one time some old bastard wiggled him middle finger into my palm, that made me feel a bit sick.
Have a good weekend Cuz! I hope it improves, you do seem a touch cranky.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Do you think he's really cranky, FMC? I can't decide whether he's actually a funny old fart or pretending to be a funny old fart. He's definitely funny though.

fatmammycat said...

A touch, GB, a touch.

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

I'm from the Protestant North of the Outer Hebrides. In church you are only permitted to grasp somebody's wrist if you are an elder, a precentor, a woman over 50 (although women of any age can firmly clasp other women), or a man over 40, or any man under 40 who has been a congregant for at least two thirds of his life.

Woman should never clasp anybody, particularly men, unless she herself has been clasped. Then it's only polite, no matter how much the man may have breached protocol by being the wrong age for clasping.

The reason for this complex, but unspoken (always, always unspoken)set of rules for physical contact in church is so that men don't get stiffies from the alluring way a woman might shake his hand.

The other side of my family go to the Scottish Episcopal church where they have idolatrous stained glass, huge ungodly organs (they do, they do! I've seen them. I used to polish one with my Granny on a Saturday. Ahem) like the Catholics. They are in ever way more liberal especially with their germs. They do the hand-shaking or "the peace" too.

Anyway, hello an'that. I'm new here. I know a few of your commentators though. Nice blog!

Dr Maroon said...

Have you ever witnessed a “rock’n’roll” priest/minister/mullah/imam? It is torture. Especially when you know it’s a sin to mock. It’s sacrilegious to mock them, it’s sacrilegious to put the Gospel to rock and roll, and they cant play electric guitars to fucking save themselves.

To the tune of Johnny B Goode (Berry)

Way back in Old Judea
Up round Galilee,
There lived a man called Jesus,
Come to save you and me,
He gathered his disciples
And his trusted men,
Said “listen lads, lets go up to Jerusalem”


I said go,
go Jesus go go go
go Jesus go go go
go Jesus go go go
Go-oh, Jesus the Lord.

Now Pilot said “this Jesus is a flippin‘ toss,”
“We’re gonna havta nail him to a bloomin’ cross..

As FMC will know, I shall suffer torment for posting that. They got me good.

fatmammycat said...

All right Good Doctor, I shall see your song and raise you a...
Retreat, 1988- Bearded hippy sitting on a stool wearing sandals and white toweling socks, he is holding a small acoustic guitar
Us- large group of unruly hormonal teenagers, some of us have our ears pierced twice. We are sitting on cold gym floor, some of us smelling faintly of smoke. One girl has been inhaling Deodorant during the break, she is off her face and has sort of slipped over. We do not help her up and sort of hope she gets caught so we escape the gym.
There is a woman/goblin, standing beside the hippy, she does the hand actions that accompany the song, think 'I'm a little teapot' but much worse.
'It's beginning to ra------in,
hear the voice of my fathe.....r
saying who so ever will,
shall come to the wate......r.
I promise to pour my spirit ou....t
on my sons and my daughters.
If you're thirsty or dry, raise your hands to the sky.....IT"S BEGINNING!!!!"
Stunned silence, some of us are trying to see how we can make it to the exit without Sister Brendan noticing.
'Okay girls lets go, let me hear it come on now raise you voices, lift your spirits to the LORD! It's beginning to-'
Well you get the picture. Beat that Maroon!

Dr Maroon said...

Was today not a Holiday of Obligation at one point? 25th March. Rings a bell(no pun).

Anyhoo, no. I fold. I cannot top that. When I was younger there was a shoecleaner that lads used to sniff. It must have had carbon tetra chloride in it because they smelled of the dry cleaners.

We of course never stooped to such fayre. We moved straight to the canabis resin which we smoked truly believing we were avant garde. I know. I'm blushing as I type it out. We were very young when we first tried it. Great times.

the anti-barney said...

yIS are fuckin'deadly

Foot Eater said...

Everyone seems cranky this weekend, AB with this post and Maroon over on his site. Are you not getting any?

Binty McShae said...

Upping the ante... I was party to a miracle curing layiing on of the hands session at the tender and impressionable age of 13. Having been a little sickly I was pushed to the front so the hippy-trippy 'yoof' minister could rid mee of my "eeeeee-villll" spirit by placing one palm on my belly and the other on my forehead. Then some cunts started speaking in tongues (ie - gibberish) as the increasing force put on my stomach caused me to begin to double up until eventually, upon the cry of "and let the Looooorrrddd come on in!!" the other hand pushed down hard on my head and I was 'amazingly' filled with 'the holy spirit' - something everyone could tell because I was now flat on my back at the front of the congregation.

My illness didn't so much go away as paled into insignificance next to the crushing neck ache I had received at the hand of my 'benefactor'....

Give me the Raaaaiiiin song anyday.

Dr Maroon said...

My God Binty, I thought you were a South-sider but now I think you might be a West-ender, like me! Was this anywhere near Hyndland Road?

fatmammycat said...

That Binty, is good and freakishly scary, but I have another boarding school related one that might top it. It's so blasted vicious I going to post on Monday on my own site.

the anti-barney said...

Fmc.,you're now showing a selfish side I'm only beginning to apreciate.Why not print it here so we can all steal it.

fatmammycat said...

Because I having a really nice weekend and am lacking on my usual dose of scandal and poor behaviour. Gotta run toots, me and yer wan are off to the cinema.
Kissy kissy.

Binty McShae said...

Doc, I moved around a bit... and for that matter I have never actually said that I ever lived in Glasgow, only that I was from the West Coast. Spent many an time there, however, and it is my favourite city - and for those times spent there I would consider myself a West-Ender, abso-bloody-lutely!