Thursday, March 09, 2006

In ten minutes I'm going to have sex with a Man.

Try as I might,I could not get my head around this,
there was no other way to look at it.
To explain the position I found myself in we have to travel
back two months to the start of my trip,to the begining of my
career as a deep-sea fisherman.

The money for a deck-hand was better on the factory-ships
than on the normal trawlers,so after the scandal,I signed up
for a three month trip to fish off Iceland on the m.f.v.Vaguely
Noble.Fuck me,that was some rude awakening for a young
Paddy who thought he'd seen it all. The crew,mostly York-
shiremen were amiable enough and I found their dry sense of
humour to be similar to that of Dubliners.My main problems
were lack of alcohol which was completely forbidden aboard
the ship (never say boat,it pisses them off) and lack of sex
(with another person).

After a month at sea it got to me so bad that I went to see
the master and commander of all our destinies,the most
powerful person in our universe,our Skipper.

"Skipper,you'll have to air-lift me off,I'm going bananas here."

"Whats the problem,Paddy?"

"I'm gummin' for a ride,is the problem."

"Have you tried wanki...?"

"Of course I've tried wanking.",I snapped

"And you've had the mags and seen the films ?", a trawler
in those days was awash with porno books and films.

"Not worth a fuck,you have to send me back."

"Theres one other thing,I can fix you up with Wang,the
Chinese cook."

"You must be fuckin' joking."

"No joke" he said "and no one need know a thing about
it but you,me and Wang."

"Bollocks to that,I'm not in to that kind of thing."

"Its up to you,but nobody would know a thing.Anyway,the
weathers turning so a chopper can't get near us for at least
a week."

I suffered on for another week,feeling more light-headed
and becoming more bad-tempered every day.Abstinance
must have been bred into the others as they seemed happy
enough with their well-thumbed magsand watching the
"Super 8s" in the galley,but it had the opposite effect on
me and again I went to the Skipper.

"You've got to get me off,Skipper,me cock's eating the leg
off me and I'm getting dizzy spells."

"In case you hadn't fucking noticed,theres a fuckin' hurricane
out there and theres no chance of getting you away."

"I swear to fuck I'll jump over the wall and pay myself
away.(Trawler-speak for drowning yourself)

"No need to talk like that Paddy,have you thought about
Wang ?"

"I told you,I'm not into that kind of thing."

"No one need ever know,I tell you what,give it a try and if
you still need to go,I'll drop you into Reykjavik myself."

"I'm not into that kind of thing,but I'll think about it."

Which is where my story began and having made the
decision went up to see the Skipper again.

"And no one will ever know ?"

"Not a sinner,just you ,me,Wang and the other three."

"What other three ?"

"The three that'll be holding Wang,hes not into that kind
of thing either."


Foot Eater said...

For fuck sakes, AB! Funniest thing I've read all week.

Dr Maroon said...

Fucking class in a glass.

fatmammycat said...

ahahahahahahahahahahahah....wipes eyes...takes a breath...ahahahahahahahah.
Lovin' it long time!

Binty McShae said...

That got my 7am Friday morning started with a smile! Cheers AB!

Dr. E. Scientist, phD. said...

Grand! Absolutely grand!

Kim Ayres said...