Monday, March 06, 2006

Two abreast me bollix !

Now that the Ice-age is over for another year we must gird
ourselves for the first signs of that most objectionable of
creatures,the road cyclist.
These boney-arsed cunts will be out clogging up the high-ways
and by-ways before you have a chance to get a gulp of Spring
air,the selfish Lycra-clad bastards.
What road-tax do these cunts pay ?None,the sanctimonious
fuckers,yet they cycle around,15 abreast,as if they owned
the fuckin' roads.
If you knock one of the cunts down you're the worst in the
world,you can't even beep at them or they glare at you
enough to give you cancer.If you make obscene gestures at
them and give them the swivel-finger,as sure as fuck there'll
be a hold-up ahead and a swarm of the cunts'll get you.You
wouldn't mind taking a few of them on but they're as fit as
fuck,even the decrepit-looking oul' bastards are.

I reckon you should get bonus points on your licence for
wingin' the cunts,that'd thin them out.


fatmammycat said...

Cancer death glares? Who knew those rotten bastards with bulging calf muscles and their tight tight shorts and tight tight t-shirts stretched tight aross taut lean bodies had such power. Don't worry Barney, If I should find some of these monsters I know just what to do with them.

Gorilla Bananas said...

Rhesus monkeys are the answer. Keep a few in your boot and let them out when you get to the cyclists. They'll be climbing all over them and pissing on them in no time.

the anti-barney said...

The mind fuckin' boggles.

Dr Maroon said...

I have a Flying Scot from Rattrays number N 263 in World Championship colours and full Campag running gear, it is a work of supreme art. see here :

Also, my permanent hero is Miguel Indurain a Spanish rider and probably the greatest ever, and that includes Eddie Merckx and Lance. see here:

How you can even joke about such a superb sport as cycling, is truly beyond me and it being Lent and me 'out of sorts' as FMC perceptively puts it.

Miguel Indurain has a resting heartbeat of 28 or something. I had a great big poster of him in Banesto Colours on the wall for years. (First Tour win 1991)

Dr Maroon said...

'Boney arsed cunts' was funny though.

In 1991 when my weight had jumped to 11 stone 7 pounds, I took part in a CTC roadrace from Glasgow to Edinburgh (Along the old A8). The rider to fear was a wee tough guy from Airdie who was almost professional. We, (Sonny and I) had a support car and everything just like the real thing, anyway, right at the start there was a hell of a pileup, bent wheels, arms and legs, some bloody knees, heads and so on. Back then helmets weren't worn by everyone (We didn't wear them).
Quick restart, and among the injured this Airdrie man. "Ha ha! Fuck you!" I thought, as we pelted off.

We were hammering along, feeling brilliant, Sonny had won a sprint bonus, 2 miles from Newhouse about halfway, this thing silently flew past me, quite a shock, and when I looked, there was the wee gremlin with a big pantomime crepe bandage round his head, tufts of hair sticking out, disappearing into the distance. Just after Newhouse, there's a mile of switchback of about 4 or 5 humps, each time I got up, he had put another hump between us. It was the most demoralising feeling to experience.

Do you know who that rider was?

Me neither, I've been trying to remember his name.

the anti-barney said...

Wasn't fuckin' me,thats for sure.I agree that professional riders are indeed super-men,they deserve all the drugs they can get.Its the arseholes on their Sunday outings that I object to,the boney-arsed fuckers.
Was it your good bike that Twenty ran over on Christmas eve?
Why did you drop out of the top 100
Scottish sites?
Are you going through the male Menepause?

Twenty Major said...

All cyclists are drugged up skanks. It's not so much a sport as a test of who has the best drugs.

Charlie said...

When I am driving and I come to ovetake a cyclist, you can gurantee someboy will come the other way and the cyclist will move just a little so you cannot pass.
it happens every time

the anti-barney said...

Same as every sport,Twenty.'Cept dogs of course,theres no drugs in greyhound racing.

Charlie,wing one or two,they'll soon keep the fuck out of your way.

Foot Eater said...

Who among us can say he has not heard 'I'm on my cycle' as an excuse?

El Barbudo said...

Snooker cue in the spokes as you drive past. That deals with the fuckers