Saturday, December 31, 2005

What are you doing for New Years Eve ?

What am I doing ? I'll tell you what I'm doing,I'm
doing absolutely positively sweet fuck all because
I hate New Years eve with a passion,the kind of
passion I normally reserve for Knackers or bastards
who are cruel to animals.I hate the whole false
Bonhomie,shaking hands and kissing arseholes
who you would'nt normally spit on.

The last few times that I was forced to go out on
New years eve,I hid in the toilets till the countdown
and kissing was over.I have a feeling that the only
ones who go out are pug-ugly cunts who would'nt
get a hug at a funeral,not even their parent's,let
alone a kiss.If you do go out to some function or
other,chances are you'll be seated close to some
fucker that you've disliked since schooldays,him
and his entire pasty-faced,bovine-headed clan,
each one noisier and more obnoxious than the

Apart from my Scottish brother-in-law,I don't know
anyone who likes this horrible night,and he does'nt
count due to his being from Maroonland.You'd be
more likely to find somebody admitting to being a
fan of Gary Glitter than a fan of Hogma-poxy-nay.
Not only are you drinking and eating in a pool
infested with arseholes but you are paying through
the nose for the privilige.I've lost count of the times
I've been ripped-off at one of these "celebrations".

Like the time in the 70s when Paul Tullio,then
owner of Gourmet Restaurant,Armstrongs Barn,
now Paulo Tullio,Gourmand,Food critic and wine
expert invited us up to his restaurant for a" special"
New Years Eve.Oh yes,it was special all right,
special for him as he charged everyone 30 quid a
skull at the door and led us to a cold buffet.Not only
that but the entertainment consisted of some oul'
shite squeezing noise out of a poxy accordion.I
don't know about you but I firmly believe that the
only thing that should ever accompany a dreaded
accordion is a stanley knife.We thought out we'd
never get,and back to civilization before the pubs

Like the time we'd booked into "The tree of
Idleness",a top of the range Greek Restaurant
owned by a Cypriot called Akis,a friend of mine at
the time,in Bray.We had a very pleasant meal,the
four of us,and as the clock ticked on towards twelve,
the waiters placed bottles of Champaigne at each
table,nice touch I thought,classy.Midnight struck
and the Champers was opened and drank with the
unneeded help of Akis who had joined us.He also
helped us with a second and a third followed by
a bottle of putrid sickly-sweet Cypriot piss-water
brandy,then proceeded to charge us for the lot,the
miserable swine.I'm glad hes dead now,probably
died of meanness.

And all this for what,the end of one poxy year
and the beginning of a new bastard that all our
experiences tell us will be just as miserable as the
old one.

Should auld acquantance be forgot
and never brought to mind ?

If fuckin only.

Oh,and happy New Year Year Doc and all in Maroonland.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

White AfterChristmas

Yay, its snowing,
in the east of England.
Thats the fucking place for it.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Fairytale of Hogganfield

Twas the night before Christmas and all through
the house,the party at Maroon Towers was in
full swing.

"Will ye no look after your wee guests,Ack." said
the lovely mrs. Maroon.

"For gods sake woman,they're drinking me out
of house and home,Thank goodness I hid the

"Who on earth is that shouting for Blue Vodka ?"

"Thats Brewski,he has a bad back,he says ."

"Well theres no too much wrong with his jaws
or throat ,mores the pity.What about the
Americans ?"

"Andraste and Lindy are trying to console Santa,
Cousin Evil is fixing the gramophone.Will you be
allright in the kitchen ?"

"Oh yes,that nice Charlie is helping me,hes a nice
man,a very nice man."

"Very,very nice man.",agreed Dr.Maroon.

Meanwhile,Santa was inconsolable,following the
theft of his presents.Matters were improving,though,
as the effects of the Brandy kicked in,aided by the
attention he was getting from Andraste and Lindy,
one seated on each knee.

"Santa baby,what would you like for Christmas ?"
Lindy purred in his ear.

"My my,what a big boy you are,and so pleased
to see me.",said a grinning Andraste,delighted
that her husband hadn't made the trip.

"For the love of god,Dr.Evil,can you fix the
gramophone a bit quicker," said Just Breathe,
"that bagpipe player walking around is driving
me insane."

"You do know,"said the professor,"that the
reason he walks around is to get away from
the racket himself."

"I'm not surprised,The Irish invented them for
battle noises and the Scots mistook them for
musical instruments."

"Now what music would you like,my dear."
said Dr. Evil,standing up to reveal the worlds
first wind-up C.D. player/Microwave oven.

Back in the kitchen,mrs. Maroon was mixing a
bowl of fruit salad,

"What on earth made him think it was a
fancy dress party,Ack,coming here dressed as
a gorilla.Whats more,he refuses to take it off,
the poor man must be roasted in there."

"Ahem,at least he isn't drinking,I'll take his
fruit out to him,hes in the lounge exchanging
jokes and stories with that other man."

"Him with the briefcase ?"

"Yes,he says he has over two years worth of
jokes in it."

"No sign of the Irish yet ?"

"No,but you know what the Ferries are like."

Santa was becoming increasingly aggressive
(and stalky )

"If I could only get my hands on the swine in
the white van who stole my presents ."

"Take it easy Santa,the presents are gone,
theres nothing we can do."

"But the poor children of Scotland will have
nothing,I've never let a child down before."

All the noise of the bagpipes,the music from
the wind-up C.D.,the laughing from Jokemail
and Gorilla Bananas' corner and the animated
conversation from Santa and his harem which
by this time had been enlarged by Just Breathe,
Sexy Redhead and Fatmammycat,was inter-
upted by a noisy commotion outside.

Everyone went to the windows to see the
source of shouting and singing.

"Its Twenty and Barney,and they're pissed as
newts,the bastards are after running over my
bike.",said dr. Maroon in disgust.He strode to
the door and,flinging it open raged,

"Barney,you bastard,look what you've done,
how am I supposed to get to work now ?"

But the two ,in a fit of giggles,trying to
straighten out the mangled bike,were beyond
hearing any admonitions.

"Keep your hair on,you oul' bollix,we'll rob a
new one for you.", laughed Twenty.

"Yes,you're lucky we got here at all, the car
broke down in Dunbarton and we thought
we'd have to stay the night there."

"So we had a few pints." said Twenty

"And a few more,then Twenty decided to
borrow this van.",added Barney.

"We could'nt find a decent car and this vans
all full of sacks and stuff."

Just then Santa staggered out and exclaimed,

"Thats the van that stole my presents."

The doors were flung open and sure enough
all the presents were there.A cheer echoed
around the assembled guests,and Santa
fondling his suspiciously black beard said,

"Twenty and Barney have saved Christmas,
I tug my beard at you with respect."

I wish you all the kind of Christmas you
hope for,want,and deserve. xx

Thursday, December 22, 2005

Its begining to look a lot like Christmas

Right you lot,I'm sick of all this moaning about
Christmas,this constant barrage of ill-will and
bad humour,hand- wringing and sour- pusses.
Its arrived now so deal with it and for once in
your miserable existances let yourselves go and
carpe diem .

I fuckin' love Christmas,I'm like a dog with two
willies,wondering which one to lick ,at this time
of the year.Sure,money is scarce, but thats only
because of bad decisions at betting and I happen to
be in a trough at the moment.There is plenty of
food and drink and the mot has the oul' present
situation under control (thank fuck for kris
kringle ) and the poxy cards are on their way.
What more could a man want,even Bill Gates can
only eat one turkey at a time,drink one glass of
Paddy or have one shite at a time.

Chestnuts roasting by an open fire,
Jack Frost lapping at your balls,
tiny tots with their heads all onfire,
and folks dressed up like eskimos.

Most contrary and miserable cunts are
reasonably good-humoured for now and even
my family are all talking to me,as we speak.
There is the added bonus that another year with
no mention of the scandal,so cheer up you
scabby shower of cunts.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005


When George Bush advocates the theory of
intelligent design,is he talking about the
universe in all its glory,or the puppet-
masters who got him elected ?

By his very existence as president of the
United States,he proves one theory and
completely disproves the other.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

You can bring a horse of a different colour
to water,
but you can't make him change his spots.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Teach a man to fish

I see that if you really want to piss somebody off
for Christmas,you can buy them a goat from
Oxfam for 36 euro.Obviously the would be pissed-
off doesn't actually receive the she-goat,she
having been already sent to some aids-ridden
village in Africa.The general idea is that you give
such a gift to someone who has everything or
has enough anyway.

What about charity beginning at home,I'm sure
you all know a lonely bachelor or elderly uncle
who could benefit from the company of a
friendly goat,a goat who would never talk
back,never say no.Some goats may be a tad
reluctant to join in at first,but where theres a
will ,theres a way.It is recommended that a
pair of wellies be presented at the same time
as the goat, so that the lonely uncle,wearing
the wellies,can jam a hind leg into each boot
thus leaving his hands free for other pleasures.
An added bonus here would be that he could
then make bestial skin-fliks ,feed a man a
goat and hes hungry the next day,teach him
to fuck a goat and give him an income
for life.

An added bonus here is that on becoming
tired of the goat or perhaps following a
lovers tiff,he may dispatch her to her
maker and once more the prospects of an
income arises.He could sell her to a master
of hounds or a greyhound trainer to be
used for blooding their charges or he
could sell her to Satanists for one of their
sacrifices.I'm sure they're always on the
lookout for likely goats,of course he
couldn't mention that she was not a
virgin goat.

At the end of all this,he still gets a fuckin'
great meal out of her,and a lovely
hairy mat on his floor to remember her

Thats what I call 36 euro well spent,
as long as you don't get an ugly bastard.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

He Died Roaring

It was a common enough saying years ago when some
poor fucker died of cancer and I suppose a lot of them
did die roaring as the drugs available back then were
nowhere near as powerful as they are now.Then as now
it is still a shitty way to go and the chances are that
some of you will have lost loved ones to this disease.
This was not my doing as it is unlikely that we will have
ever came across each other.

I first discovered that I could give cancer to people
about 25 years ago after Dawn Run's gold cup.
Previous to this I had wished cancer on four or five
people and they had died of it but I had considered
this to be no more than a happy coincidence and they
deserved it anyway,the cunts.Dawn Run winning the
Gold cup cost me a right few quid and after the race
I said I hoped that Jonjoe O' Neill (jockey) got cancer
and that she (Dawn Run ) broke her neck.This she
did one or two races later and Jonjoe got cancer,
though he didn't die of it.

To date I can claim eight positive deaths by cancer
and one particular cunt,an ex-partner who did me
out of a shit-load of money that committed suicide
when he got it.There are probably several more but
as they would have been strangers to me,say in
traffic,or anyone else who irritated me ,I cannot
say whether they died or not.Around that time I
was quite flathulach with the oul' cancer wishing.

The corollary to this was that I also had healing
hands which I discovered accidently,or rather
reasoned out.I was pondering my powers one day
following the death of that bollocks of my ex-partner
and was wondering how to profit from it,apart from
the satisfaction,of course.I reasoned that if I could
do evil then the chances were that I could also do
good.I practised laying my hands on members of
my family and found that I could relieve mild
doses of pain like sore wrists or headaches.

I was in a lot of pain myself at that time which was
making me more contrary and aggressive,and since
I couldn't cure myself,the amusement of curing
others quickly faded.Following an operation, my
pain was alleviated and with it went a lot of my
bitterness and a good portion of evilness also and
I havn't wished cancer on anyone in a while.
Strangely enough my ability to cure has also
gone because I tried to cure my wife's sore
wrist a few weeks ago but felt nothing,no cure.

I firmly believe that he who lives by the sword
dies by the sword,and I fully expect to get cancer
myself,but I won't die of it.Myself and a good
mate have made a pact that if either of us gets
the big C we will give each other a cocktail of
Heroin,Morphine and Coke,go out with a smile ,
as it were.

By the way ,there will be no comments to this
post as I don't care what you think,It's the way
it was.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

The Last Waltz

As I watched the Last Waltz last night it occured to me that
of all the historical events ever,here was one of the few
I would love to have witnessed and attended.Apart from
one place three years ago on new years eve which is very
personal,I can think of no event or occasion that I would get
out of bed to watch or witness other than the farewell
performance of the Band.

Moses parting the sea,Nelson's death at Trafalgar,the
discovery of penicillin,Arkle's first Gold cup,you can have
them all,probably only ruin my image of how they
occured anyway.

My sister was living in San Francisco in 1976 and had
written to me about the event but it didn't register
much as most bands that I liked eg. Cream,and even
cunts like the Beatles,which I didn't were breaking up
at that time and a lot of my heroes eg.Jimmi and Janis
were brown bread.Robbie and the Band,by fuck they
were good.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005


I can't help but notice that most of the blogs that
I read are becoming scarcer and shorter.I can only
assume that this is because of the cold weather,at
least I hope it is ,otherwise if it isn't numbness I will
shortly be pronounced clinically brain-dead

Monday, December 12, 2005

Fairies lights

Why the fuck is it that the poxy Christmas lights
never work when you put the bastards up.Yes I
fucking know you should test the little fuckers
first but thats not the point,they should still work,
its not a lot to ask.Theres fuck-all to lights but some
evil cunt must put a virus in them,same as lawn-
mowers never work when you go to use them in
the Summer.

Well they can fuck off and stay up and hang about
as useful as spare pricks at a whores Wedding.

Deck me balls with boughs of holly,tra la la la la..........

Saturday, December 10, 2005

G.M. foods

Fuck off and leave our food alone.Foodstuffs of all
description has existed without your fucking help
or interference for millions of years,you shower of
interfering cunts.We don't care what figures or
statistics you come up with because we don't fucking
believe you.You're only a bunch of self-serving cunts,
you cunts.

You do not need to cross-fertilize tomatoes with an
Alaskan Halibut to make them resistant to frost.We
do not need to grow enough wheat in our window
boxes to feed the multitudes,there is plenty of wheat for
everybody as it is.If you want to fuck around with
something,improve the distribution system,you lying
sleeveen bastards.Fuck off and do something useful for
once in your lying and cheating underhanded lives,go
and come up with a cheap clean fuel,if you havn't done
so already,you sneaky fuckers.

You needn't sneer at us for being ignorant luddites
who are afraid to embrace technology either,you
sneering bastards because we understand what you
are doing only too well,so you can fuck right off.

We don't fucking want them,what part of
fuck off
do you not understand.

Friday, December 09, 2005


Normal service will resume over the weekend.
For some reason blogging slipped well down my list
of priorities this week.One final thing though,how and
when did the Spanish become so wealthy ?For the first
time in my life I felt like a fucking pauper.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005


Some fuckin´city
Pity I´d seen Prague first though.

I could see myself living here.

Miss the convoys of single mums with brats.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Buenes Tardes

Drove inland ´till I found no fucker that speaks
English.Fuckin´deadly,except now I´ve nobody
to argue with,just shows,you can´t have

Thursday, December 01, 2005


Barney fuckled off to Barcelona yesterday to have a gander
at the shit that Gawdy fuckled up.pity he never got around to
finishing stuff.I got great Craic out of Harry Hudson´s idea of
leaving a few cigarette butts in the plane´s jacks.The
passenger using the jacks after me reported getting the
smell of smoke but Barney was too cute for them and had
collected butts outside the airport that had lipstick on them.
Harry is clever,it does piss them off.

Lazy Post

I saw this joke in the Mail yesterday and it tickled me.

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing.He
concludes by saying "Yesterday,three Brazilian soldiers were
"Oh no!" Bush exclaims,"Thats terrible!"
His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion,nervously
watching as the president sits,head in hands.Finally the
President looks up and asks;

"How many is a brazillion?"