Friday, December 23, 2005

Fairytale of Hogganfield

Twas the night before Christmas and all through
the house,the party at Maroon Towers was in
full swing.

"Will ye no look after your wee guests,Ack." said
the lovely mrs. Maroon.

"For gods sake woman,they're drinking me out
of house and home,Thank goodness I hid the

"Who on earth is that shouting for Blue Vodka ?"

"Thats Brewski,he has a bad back,he says ."

"Well theres no too much wrong with his jaws
or throat ,mores the pity.What about the
Americans ?"

"Andraste and Lindy are trying to console Santa,
Cousin Evil is fixing the gramophone.Will you be
allright in the kitchen ?"

"Oh yes,that nice Charlie is helping me,hes a nice
man,a very nice man."

"Very,very nice man.",agreed Dr.Maroon.

Meanwhile,Santa was inconsolable,following the
theft of his presents.Matters were improving,though,
as the effects of the Brandy kicked in,aided by the
attention he was getting from Andraste and Lindy,
one seated on each knee.

"Santa baby,what would you like for Christmas ?"
Lindy purred in his ear.

"My my,what a big boy you are,and so pleased
to see me.",said a grinning Andraste,delighted
that her husband hadn't made the trip.

"For the love of god,Dr.Evil,can you fix the
gramophone a bit quicker," said Just Breathe,
"that bagpipe player walking around is driving
me insane."

"You do know,"said the professor,"that the
reason he walks around is to get away from
the racket himself."

"I'm not surprised,The Irish invented them for
battle noises and the Scots mistook them for
musical instruments."

"Now what music would you like,my dear."
said Dr. Evil,standing up to reveal the worlds
first wind-up C.D. player/Microwave oven.

Back in the kitchen,mrs. Maroon was mixing a
bowl of fruit salad,

"What on earth made him think it was a
fancy dress party,Ack,coming here dressed as
a gorilla.Whats more,he refuses to take it off,
the poor man must be roasted in there."

"Ahem,at least he isn't drinking,I'll take his
fruit out to him,hes in the lounge exchanging
jokes and stories with that other man."

"Him with the briefcase ?"

"Yes,he says he has over two years worth of
jokes in it."

"No sign of the Irish yet ?"

"No,but you know what the Ferries are like."

Santa was becoming increasingly aggressive
(and stalky )

"If I could only get my hands on the swine in
the white van who stole my presents ."

"Take it easy Santa,the presents are gone,
theres nothing we can do."

"But the poor children of Scotland will have
nothing,I've never let a child down before."

All the noise of the bagpipes,the music from
the wind-up C.D.,the laughing from Jokemail
and Gorilla Bananas' corner and the animated
conversation from Santa and his harem which
by this time had been enlarged by Just Breathe,
Sexy Redhead and Fatmammycat,was inter-
upted by a noisy commotion outside.

Everyone went to the windows to see the
source of shouting and singing.

"Its Twenty and Barney,and they're pissed as
newts,the bastards are after running over my
bike.",said dr. Maroon in disgust.He strode to
the door and,flinging it open raged,

"Barney,you bastard,look what you've done,
how am I supposed to get to work now ?"

But the two ,in a fit of giggles,trying to
straighten out the mangled bike,were beyond
hearing any admonitions.

"Keep your hair on,you oul' bollix,we'll rob a
new one for you.", laughed Twenty.

"Yes,you're lucky we got here at all, the car
broke down in Dunbarton and we thought
we'd have to stay the night there."

"So we had a few pints." said Twenty

"And a few more,then Twenty decided to
borrow this van.",added Barney.

"We could'nt find a decent car and this vans
all full of sacks and stuff."

Just then Santa staggered out and exclaimed,

"Thats the van that stole my presents."

The doors were flung open and sure enough
all the presents were there.A cheer echoed
around the assembled guests,and Santa
fondling his suspiciously black beard said,

"Twenty and Barney have saved Christmas,
I tug my beard at you with respect."

I wish you all the kind of Christmas you
hope for,want,and deserve. xx


Gorilla Bananas said...

Ha! I like it. El Barbudo forced into the role of Santa and worrying about the kids of Scotland. If that doesn't ruin his cave man image, nothing will.

El Barbudo said...

Absolutely fucking excellent Anti-B! As I was scrolling down, I was begining to think the cunt's missed me out of this story.

I tug my beard at you with extra respect!

I fear I may be more likely to get the Christmas I deserve, than the one I want though...

Hope yours will be better.

the anti-barney said...

I see Doc, Maroon has stolen his
own comments,whats the story ?

Jokemail said...

Getting a mention in this story is as much fun as getting a Maroon Award. I feel privilaged!

Many thanks and I hope you have a great Christmas and New Year!

WV: ekiss - does this happen under virtual mistletoe?

the anti-barney said...

Thanks chaps,the virtual do went well,maybe....................

Brewski said...

Cheers AB! I raise my glass to you. Happy Christmas!

Dr Maroon said...

Absolutely fucking deadly!
The staff are still removing fruit salad from the Rococo cornices and keep finding the odd shoe and lacy undergarment. Haven’t had a night like that since we found that welder’s pay packet.
Have a good one Barney.

SexyBeauty said...

Terrific post - Merry Christmas to all of you

Binty McShae said...


Didn't even get an invite... was it something I said?

Merry Crimbo you aul' git!

LindyK said...

Lovely post, Barnes! Always wanted to be in Santa's harem... wait, wha?! Happy Christmas to you!

Dr. E. Scientist, phD. said...

Nicely done, Anti-Barney.

Happy Christmas you lot (well, boxing day now. Christmas day is a little hazy right now)

Hmm. The anti spammer code is an appropriate "Byyakwhu". Seems to me I made that sound Christmas eve.

justin barker said...

ostwpu us, every one!

Jokemail said...

As Anti-Barney, according to my calculations your name for the day should be:

Falafel Daiperchunks