Sunday, April 16, 2006

What really happened

His eyelids were stuck,his throat was dry,every bone in his body
ached and his tongue felt like a cow camel's clitoris after a sand-
storm.He had,he thought,the worst hangover in history,the
mother of all hangovers and as the first waves of customary guilt
mixed with feelings of stupidity began to wash over him ,he
remembered with a shock that he hadn't been drinking last

He shuddered as the nightmare that was the last few days came
slowly back to him,the shudders themselves causing even more
pain to his tormented body.Using his fingers he forced first one
eye ,then the other ,blinking painfully as he tried to focus in the
darkness until a dizzy nausea overcame him and he lapsed
into unconsciousness.

When he stirred again he noticed a chink of light but in his
disoriented state he couldn't fathom from whence it came,
floor or ceiling,wall or door.Remembering that he had a prev-
ious appointment he tried to struggle up but found himself to
be wrapped tightly in some kind of sheet.With every strain of
endevour to disengage himself from the sheet,his body re-
belled until he thought he might faint from the pain but he
made one last frantic effort and finally succeeded but in
doing so fell painfully to the ground,his legs still tangled in
the acursed sheet.Breathing heavily,he gingerly freed his legs
and crawled towards the shaft of light.

He felt his strength returning as he discovered what appeared
to be a large bolder blocking the exit to the cave he found him-
self in.And he remembered he was to meet his friends outside
this cave.Counting slowly from 1 to x he took a deep breath,
rolled the bolder aside and jumped outside,

"Ta da.",said Jesus with his arms outsretched theatrically.

The silence that greeted him was equalled only by the lack
of an audience.

"I must be too early," thought Jesus as he slunk back inside,
rolling the bolder closed behind him.He waited until the beam
of light got stronger and changed direction,what seemed like
forever but was probably an hour before readying himself
once more.

"The cunts'll surely be here by now." he thought,rolled back
the rock, jumped outside and

"Ta daaaaaaaaaaaaa ."

Not a fuckin' sinner."Thats fuckin' lovely,that is," as he poked
a bush,"the first,the one and fuckin' only fuckin' LIVE res-
urrection and the cunts can't be bothered turning up.Well
they needn't think I'm going to do it again for them."

He trudged off into town to find them,muttering all the way,

"Ungrateful shower of cunts."

He went to the hall where they used to meet,pray,smoke and
tell dirty jokes but there was nobody about.Deciding that they
must be drowning their sorrows in the pub he went there next.
The owner,carrying kegs out, saw him approach and said,

"Ah Jesus,its yourself,havn't seen you for a few days."

"I was about my father's business,have you seen Peter and
the lads ? "

"Upstairs in the function-room,been there two days,go on up."

Jesus crept up the stairs,the racket getting more raucous the
closer he got to the door.Suddenly the door opened and Peter
tumbled out ,not even seeing his Lord ,cupped his hands and
roared downstairs,

"More wine Inn-keeper,before the women sober up and stop

Horrified Jesus said,

"Peter,my rock,what the fuck is going on "

Trying to focus ,Peter said.

"Who's that," and squinting his eyes ,"Jesus Jesus,its you."

"Jesus Jesus,gettit."He said,collapsing in a fit of giggles.He
staggered to his feet and with tears rolling down his face
hugged Jesus and said,

"Me best friend in the world."He stood back clasped Jesus by
the hand,

"You and me Jesus,You and me,put it there.Jesus,Jesus."
and started laughing once more at his own wit.

"Whats the fuckin' story ?" said Jesus,losing patience and shak-
ing Peter by the sholders.


"What fuckin' party ?"

"Judas came in to some money."


Dr Maroon said...

Brilliant. They should get you to re write the whole thing.

"Jesus Jesus...." magic.

Binty McShae said...

Ahhh... The Gospel according to Vaporiser!

Monstee said...

Sombody's burning in he-ellllllllll...

Me'll save ya a spot.

fatmammycat said...

Jesus, there a smell of sulphur over here too! Just like Andraste and Twenty. What in the name of Jebus is going on?

Kim Ayres said...

A work of Genius, A-B!

Sam, Problem-Child-Bride said...

That was brilliant! If there was a woman in 6" heels drinking pink things there, I have a pretty good idea of who she was. Bloody hell, did everyone but me get drunk this weekend? Bah, grumble.

If I'd read this earlier and knew that I'd simply be recreating the holy drunkenness of the apostles, that it was actually all traditional and shit, then I'd have been the first one up at the bar with my kids letting them sup of the blessed beer. And it would have been much easier to deal with drunken children than the crazed, chocolatey-mouthed, sugar-abusers we had yesterday. Bugger. Next year, next year...

Clairwil said...


SheBah said...

HeHeHe - Inspired! But I'm laughing guiltily, you understand, with a sorry nod to him upstairs, just in case he exists and I'm being sacrilegious.

Foot Eater said...

Mazel tov, AB.

the anti-barney said...

Footsie,You fire even one petrol-bomb here and you'll be got.
Fmc.,nothing wrong with a bit of singeing,its cheaper and less painful than waxing.

Sam,every year we gather to remember the first great piss-up of St.Judas.

Thanks everyone else for kind comments but theres still a distinct shortage of Eric Idles or John Cleeses beating a path to my door to use it as an epilogue for the Life of Brian.