Sunday, April 23, 2006

Genesis,Yes,Wishbone Ash.

God looked down on what she had created and was pissed-off.
She was extremely concerned at the number of her children
who were addicted to blogging and disgusted at the blasphemy
there over the past few weeks.

"Enough." She said.

Genesis 19:15 KJV
"And when the morning arose, then the angels hastened Barney, saying, Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daughters, which are here; lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of the Blogoshere. 16 And while he lingered, the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters; the LORD being merciful unto him: and they brought him forth, and set him without the city. 17 And it came to pass, when they had brought them forth abroad, that he said, Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the plain; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed."

And Barney said,"Lord,they can't all be bad,let me try to save
the decent souls therein."
The Lord answered,"Show me two decent men and I'll spare

Barney hastened forth and came first upon Maroon,a notorious
Apothocary and man of ill repute.A short conversation confirmed
his mind to be infested with impure thoughts and deemed to be
beyond redemption.

A comely woman approached in the distance,raising Barney's
hopes of finding some decency but on nearing him she snagged
one of her 6" heels on the cobblestones and issued forth such
foul language that the saintly Barney had to cover his ears.

Much wailing and gnashing of teeth emanated from a dwelling
on a sidestreet and upon entering,Barney perceived a bearded
man laid out with a crowd gathered around his lifeless corpse.
The weeping women were so distrought that tears mingled with
mucus from their mouths and noses dripped on to the life-less
body,covering its face and beard with a saline residue.Even as
he looked,the body stirred and to gasps of horror sat bolt up-
right and issued a string of profanities at the fleeing crowd.

Next up,Barney's little heart was gladdened to meet Kim, a
renowned gentleman and held in the highest esteem by all he
encountered.Although he had been known to take amusement
from the blasphemy of others he was not,himself,a blasphemer.
Writing Kims name in a notebook,he continued his search.

Presently he came to the house of the Vestal Virgins from
whence he heard the sound of a woman sobbing.

"I'll surely get some names for the notebook here." Thought
Barney as he entered the portals and followed the sound of
the distressed woman.For that is what she was when he
found her,the most beautiful woman he had ever seen,her eyes
red from crying,her cheeks black from running mascara.

"Whatever is the matter,my dear,and where is everyone?

"They've all f f f fffff...." she sobbed

"Fallen ?"


"Fell into evil ways ? "


"Fornicated ?"

"Fffffffff........." There now,my dear,take a deep breath and tell
me your name.

"Its Lindy."sniffed she.Barney took out his notebook and began
to write her name in to it.

"They've all fucked off." Wailed Lindy,tears flowing again.

"Gone to the Brothel have they ?To become ladies of easy
virtue,have they ? Gone to earn some easy money,have they ?"

Lindy continued to cry but now they were tears of rage.

"Its fucking arseholes like you that have women like us living
in the Stone-age,seeing us as either virgins or whores you
pathetic little gombeen."

"But but."

"But me arse,I'll have you know that it was sheer boredom
that drove those women out,back to their careers."

"But I thought........."

"Thought is it,you need brains to think.Do you know Andraste
ran her own Camel train before she was brought here and Sam
had two businesses going.Miss Beauty,Miss Clairwil and the
new girl,Miss Stroppy all have their own lives to lead."

"But surely you......?"

"I was asleep when they all left or I'd have gone as well,I've
two books to finish writing,and two more to translate so if
you think I've nothing better to do than hang around and
play the Vestal Virgin for wankers like you then you've got
another think coming,arsehole."

Barney turned and walked slowly away,crossing out the Li he
had written in his book. His head reeling from the lecture,he
sought out the solace of his local,the appropriately named
"Den of Iniquity" where all forms of debauchery were encour-
aged by owner/manager,the notorious XX Major.It was here
that all the outwardly good citizens showed their true colours;
The gentle and wise primate cruelly prodding his human slave
to make him dance for the amusement of his fellow drinkers,
the flame-haired joker who had made his name in family enter-
tainment now regaling all and sundry with the most vile and
disgusting tales of perversion.There was the local doctor who
sated his fetish by licking the feet of leprous women,

"Here try one Barney,its not contagious."As he offered a
scabby foot,its owner grinning lasciviously through cracked
and bleeding lips.

"Maybe later."He made his way to the bar where he joined two
school-teachers who unfortunately for Barney had been there
all day and had just been refused more credit.

"Gis a tenner." Said Brewski,the drunker of the two.

"Go on,gis a tenner ,each ."Said Binty,his companion.

"You'll have to earn it, on your knees." Joked barney and pre-
tended to fumble with his fly.

"Ill give you knees, You dirrrty bastard." As he headbutted
Barney in the face,and Binty joined in by kicking him in the
ear as he went down.

"Get a doctor." Said XX.

"Not him." Said Barney as the fettishist approached.

Another doctor came out of the backroom,where he had been
dallying with what looked like a woad-coloured bearded lady,
but nobody had ever seen such a fur covered bearded lady
before.The doctor lanky,balding and bearded, seemed to float
across to Barney where he felt his pulse,fondled his testacles
and robbed his wallet.

Much sadder and very much wiser,Barney made his way home,

"Fuckin' shower of cunts." He thought as he tried to stop the

"Fire'n'Brimstone,whatever the fuck that is, is too good for
them, the cunts."

Outside his gate, Barney met Kim again.

"What was that list for,Barney ?" When Barney finished expl-
aining the reason,Kim exclaimed,

"You mean God is going to destroy the whole city ?"

Barney nodded.

Kim,aghast, "What a cunt."

Barney reached into his pocket and removing his notebook,
he tore it in bits and threw it in the air.Kim gave him a look
of disgust and said,

"Its litterbugs like you that have this city as bad as it is."

"Thats the least of your problems." Said Barney and went in
to help Malicia pack.

Malicia looks back

Genesis 19:23 KJV
"The sun was risen upon the earth when Barney entered into Zoar. (24)Then the LORD rained upon The Blogoshere brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven; (25) And he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground. (26) But his wife ,Malicia, looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt."


Kim Ayres said...

Highly amusing AB, but you missed out verses 30 to 36 which shows that the righteous Barney then slept with his 2 daughters. If that's the kind of guy that God saves from the blogosphere, then I stick with my earlier aghast assertion.

Monstee said...


Dr Maroon said...

Carlsberg don’t do the Old Testament, but if they did…

Is that the King James version Kim?

SheBah said...

Barns - you have surpassed yourself - sublime stuff - it cheered me up on a miserable Monday morning(and I so hate Mondays).

SheBah said...

Jeez - Maroon - we must have pressed the send button at exactly the same time - serendipity!

fatmammycat said...

Ohh fucking great, first blogger will not ost my ranty blog today and now we're all doomed from on high and it's only bloody Monday!

LindyK said...

Fantastic stuff, Barnes... lots for one girl to live up to! Thanks for cheering up my Monday!!

Andraste said...

Camel train. THERE'S an idea my high school guidance counselor didn't bring up!

the anti-barney said...

Sorry Kim,I just googled to get a few quotes and thats what came up,anyway you can't believe a word you read in the Gospels,imagine some cunt like me trying to amuse himself hundreds of years ago ???
Wheres your proof about the sainted Barney molesting his daughters?Even if he did,well his beloved wife had just be turned into a condiment and the city had lost a little of its vibrancy.
Many thanks to the rest of you for your comments,I don't know what happened to my comments box as they've only just shown up and I thought my piece had gone down like a lead baloon and felt that I'd gone a bit stale and have lost my edge so I have decided to give myself a break.Not wanting to leave a dud as my last post I did one more in the hope of rattling a few cages.

Thanks again and good luck.xx

justin barker said...

Genesis 19:33
That night they got their father to drink wine, and the older daughter went in and lay with him. He was not aware of it when she lay down or when she got up ( but he was damn sure aware of it while she was there, sick bastard ).