Thursday, April 20, 2006

Morto

I was leaving Fairyhouse the other day,in a mild and inoffensive
manner,a little sadder and wiser than I had been three hours
previously.I had left during the second last race to avoid the
traffic and it was very quiet outside except for the Hawkers who
had been facing the crowds as they entered,now had their stalls
turned towards the exits.

"Any apples or pears,mister ?"

"No thanks."

"Ah go on mister,bring 'em home for the youngsters."

"No thanks, sure don't I sell them meself." This usually got me
off the hook but the old crone was persistent.She switched tack.

"Toblerones or chocolate then."

"No thanks."

"Ten for a fiver,take your pick,the last few."

"No,I'm ok.,thanks."

"Don't be so mane,go on, for the kids,ten for a fiver."

"They're sick of chocolate,no thanks." If its one thing kids
don't need more of at Easter,its chocolate.Don't talk to me
about skid-marks.

"Ya grumpy oul' fecker,givvus the fiver anyway."

"Tell you what,come around the back of the stands with me
and earn your fiver."Now this oul' fuck was eighty if she was
a day and could easily have been the foster-mother Mick
Jagger sang about on Jumpin' Jack Flash and I didn't even
think she heard me.Wrong.

"Ya dirty oul' thing,Mary,Mary,did you hear what he said.
Ya dirty thing,ya dirty oul' thing."Her voice got louder
and shriller,

"Mary,did ya hear him,ya dirty oul' thing."

"How much did you say the chocolate was ?"

"I'll sell ya nuthin',ya dirty oul' thing."

I could still hear her giving out as I got into my car,hundreds
of yards away,talk about tail between me legs,I thought out
I'd never get.

10 comments:

Kim Ayres said...

Briliant! I'll need to remember that line next time I get a knock at the door when they're trying to raise money for the local church roof.

SheBah said...

So what would you have done if she'd said OK?

Monstee said...

Me have heard of MILFs befor... but AB, am you into GILFs?

the anti-barney said...

Kim,be careful what you ask for.

S.B.,I'd have legged it,I've always been a cunt teaser.

Monstee,I've never heard of either but if they've a high alcohol content,deal me in.

Dr Maroon said...

Truly, the sport of kings. There's a racecource in Perth, I never knew there was so much fun to be had.

It's there you'll see confectioners with sugarsticks and dainties
The lozenges and oranges, the lemonade and raisins!
The gingerbread and spices to accomodate the ladies
And a big crubeen for thruppence to be pickin' while you're able.

fatmammycat said...

You were lucky, she might have bitten the head off your gummy bear.
I told this story to Docy before, but my brother once stood at a bar with another of his mates, a young lad, sort of shy. They were supping pints when two chaps who were in school with my brohter came in, dressed smart, wearing chinos and check shirts with jumpers over the shoulder and probably loafers, that sort of thing.
Chap one spots my brother and makes a bee line, there is some haw-hawing, shoulder slapping, waving of big watches, casual-but pointed-boasting, much waving of the car keys, complete with Merc logo on the key chain.
Anyway, my brother didn't say a whole lot, supped his pint, nodded along in a polite fashion for a while, when suddenly Lord haw haw, spots the shy guy behind him who was busy studying the bar menu.
'Hey there, and what are you doing with your self these days?' Haw-Haw says ever so condesendingly.
'Not talking to you anyway ya cunt ya.' The shy one said and wandered off to find a seat.
My brother swears Haw Haw's mouth flapped like a goldfish on a carpet.

Dr Maroon said...

A long long time ago my friend and I were cool us fuck and were at a wonderful club in Glasgow. It was still early when we sashayed nearer to a couple of girls. Top notch girls. Out of our league? Maybe, but we'd had a drink and were willing to push it. We were now standing right at them and I openened my trap to start my spiel (they really were fucking lovely) when at that exact momment a young man with his back to us all, knocked his drink off the rail and down a bit number one's dress.

"You stupid CUNT" she shouted at this poor unfortunate, going absolutely mental, "I'll fuckin' split you, you fucking idiot."

Still smiling, Greg and I sashayed back nearer the bar. They were too good for us after all.

justin barker said...

oooo you are a dirty ol thing

karilyn said...

i thought it was only wayne rooney who liked fo fuck auld wans.

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