Exams

It is that time of year again when unfortunate kids the length
and breadth of the country are plunged into despair over the
prospects of taking their exams.The fact that these exams will
have a huge bearing on their careers and lives make them al-
most unbearably stressful.

It will probably come as a shock to most of you that I reached
Leaving Cert. standard many years ago,but we have all passed
a lot of water under the bridge since then.I have sometimes told
this story to a particularly forlorn student if the mood took me,
and because I'm in an uncharacteristically good mood this after-
noon,have decided to share it with you although I do not advoc-
ate the following of my example as not everyone can carry the
burden of guilt as easily as myself.

As generations of students before me and plenty after were told,
"Don't attempt to cheat,under any circumstance,or you will be
caught and you'll bring disgrace on yourself,your family and
the school,you'll never get away with it.Well I ploughed my way
through most of my exams in a mostly honest manner,all the time
being aware that the Supervisors,who were our soon to be ex-
teachers,had little or no interest in the proceedings and seemed
more intent on the perusal of the daily newspapers.

On the last day of the exams I decided to go for it and armed my-
self with all the notes,text-books and answer-books that might
prove useful and took my place with the rest of the students. I
suppose if this was a fable,I would say that I got caught cheating,
decided to mend my ways and become a better person, but I
didn't,which is how,much to the surprise of my teacher, I man-
aged to achieve Honours in Latin.

Quod erat demonstrandum.
(or whatever it should be.)

Blunt the useless cunt

I heard this yesterday and thought it was a gas.

Salad Days

I'm not a great fan of the Summer because it makes people
unseemly happy and for no great reason.People you are after
seeing all Winter traipsing about with pusses like Celine Dion
suddenly have springs in their steps and idiotic grins on their
faces.

It would churn your stomach to see couples walking about,
hand-in-hand,smiling inanely at each other.Even worse are
the families with one of those stupid looking go-fast buggies
with the wheel out in front like a Chopper in Easy Rider. No,
it suits me better when everyone is just as miserable as me.

As far as I can see,the only good thing about Summer is that
you can use butter (real butter) without resorting to a hammer
and chisel.

Now I'm not a violent man,despite my size,weight and strength.
Apart from the time that I tried to twist a fellow's head off his
shoulders when he pissed me off at a party(Its quite difficult but
I'd always wanted to twist someone's head off).

And apart from that chap in the sportscar who had cut me up
in traffic and sneered as he went past.Well he wasn't sneering
when I caught up with him at the next set of traffic-lights!

And apart from that teenager whose leg I broke with a kick
when I caught him stealing drink from my van one Christmas
eve.

And apart from the dozens of people upon whom I've threatened
to visit violence over the years(but never had to ).

Well maybe I am a Little violent and I've a good mind to go
over and have a word with oul' Go-be-the-wall Maroon who
is openly canvessing for replacements for myself and Binty.
No sooner had me'n'Binty sat down to rest our weary bones
when the treacherous oul' bollix is out,batin' the ditches for
extras to use in "Gothic."
You wouldn't mind but an educated man,like he's supposed to
be,should have realised that he'd have to bate 4 or 5 bloggers
into one to encapsulate the diversity of characters either of
us are or manic depressives,in other words.
The sheer gall of the little sleeveen,he's like a sweetheart who
suggests a trial seperation and then you see her warin' the
face off half the school disco,you fuckin' bitch,Janet.
As I've said,I've a good mind to go over and.......

In case you're wondering.....

A dark and terrible misfortune has befallen your oul' pal,Barney,
something so dreadful that I did not see it coming,had not imag-
ined it in my worst nightmares.
There I was,minding my own business,in a mild and unassuming
manner when an (ex) friend made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
The fuckin' bastard only offered me work, in front of Malicia.
What sort of a low-down scumbag does a thing like that? I mean,
fairs fair,but thats below the belt.I know I said somewhere that
I havn't decided whether I am between employments or just
early-retired, and I hadn't,but where am I supposed to find time
to work?
I don't mind doing little bits of work and the money does come
in handy,but its so fuckin' time consuming.
Before I had a chance to think up an excuse,Malicia nearly took
my ankle off with a well timed kick and all I could splutter was,

"Well if you're stuck I..."

"Great,Ill pick you up at 4.30 in the morning."

Bollix.So thats what happened,in case you're wondering.Missed you.

When the fields are white with Daisies....













I'll return.