Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Schoolyard Bullies

The only bright side to America's insidious influence over the
world is that ALL previous empires have fallen and are now
without pots within which to piss.Strictly speaking,America
is not an empire but her culture and influence are more far-
reaching than say,the British empire where the Sun never
set.Well the Sun cannot set on the American empire since
they annexed the Moon and Space.None of us will ever live
to see America become the butt of jokes like Little Brittainers,
Italians and Greeks have but we can rest assured that happen
it will.

We can even have a sneaky snigger at the loud-mouthed fat
bastards that waddle our way this Summer in the knowledge
of what will become of their off-spring.Don't be tempted to
feel sorry for them either because out of every group you
meet,at least half of them will have voted for Bush.Now theres
a fuckin' beaut.

Georgie boy,Dubya,the missing link,brain-dead pox-bottle,
cruel-as-Caligula cunt.I, for one,havn't bothered commenting
on the little bollix for a while because for one it is just too easy
to mock him,God knows,he he gives enough reasons but also
because he is mid-way through his final term and he can't do
much more to fuck-up the world,can he ? Of course he can and
what he is considering doing in Iran doesn't bear thinking about
but that is not the frightening thing.

What is frightening is who WE are going to be inflicted with
next. I say we because as leader of the free world he will be
our president as well, God help us.As far as I can see the Dem-
ocrats have Hilary Clinton and no one else and you can forget
about her as middle America is too backward to elect a woman.
No,the Republicans have perfected the Neo-Con right-wing
cloning machine and will have some red-neck none of us have
ever heard of puffing out his chest even as we speak,ready to
carry on the crusade.

Meanwhile Bush and his henchman Rhumsfeld strut the world
like schoolyard bullies,picking on the weak,Iraq and Afghanistan,
while avoiding the other bullies, China and North Korea,lest
they be given bloody noses.


Sunday, April 23, 2006

Genesis,Yes,Wishbone Ash.

God looked down on what she had created and was pissed-off.
She was extremely concerned at the number of her children
who were addicted to blogging and disgusted at the blasphemy
there over the past few weeks.

"Enough." She said.

Genesis 19:15 KJV
"And when the morning arose, then the angels hastened Barney, saying, Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daughters, which are here; lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of the Blogoshere. 16 And while he lingered, the men laid hold upon his hand, and upon the hand of his wife, and upon the hand of his two daughters; the LORD being merciful unto him: and they brought him forth, and set him without the city. 17 And it came to pass, when they had brought them forth abroad, that he said, Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the plain; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed."

And Barney said,"Lord,they can't all be bad,let me try to save
the decent souls therein."
The Lord answered,"Show me two decent men and I'll spare

Barney hastened forth and came first upon Maroon,a notorious
Apothocary and man of ill repute.A short conversation confirmed
his mind to be infested with impure thoughts and deemed to be
beyond redemption.

A comely woman approached in the distance,raising Barney's
hopes of finding some decency but on nearing him she snagged
one of her 6" heels on the cobblestones and issued forth such
foul language that the saintly Barney had to cover his ears.

Much wailing and gnashing of teeth emanated from a dwelling
on a sidestreet and upon entering,Barney perceived a bearded
man laid out with a crowd gathered around his lifeless corpse.
The weeping women were so distrought that tears mingled with
mucus from their mouths and noses dripped on to the life-less
body,covering its face and beard with a saline residue.Even as
he looked,the body stirred and to gasps of horror sat bolt up-
right and issued a string of profanities at the fleeing crowd.

Next up,Barney's little heart was gladdened to meet Kim, a
renowned gentleman and held in the highest esteem by all he
encountered.Although he had been known to take amusement
from the blasphemy of others he was not,himself,a blasphemer.
Writing Kims name in a notebook,he continued his search.

Presently he came to the house of the Vestal Virgins from
whence he heard the sound of a woman sobbing.

"I'll surely get some names for the notebook here." Thought
Barney as he entered the portals and followed the sound of
the distressed woman.For that is what she was when he
found her,the most beautiful woman he had ever seen,her eyes
red from crying,her cheeks black from running mascara.

"Whatever is the matter,my dear,and where is everyone?

"They've all f f f fffff...." she sobbed

"Fallen ?"


"Fell into evil ways ? "


"Fornicated ?"

"Fffffffff........." There now,my dear,take a deep breath and tell
me your name.

"Its Lindy."sniffed she.Barney took out his notebook and began
to write her name in to it.

"They've all fucked off." Wailed Lindy,tears flowing again.

"Gone to the Brothel have they ?To become ladies of easy
virtue,have they ? Gone to earn some easy money,have they ?"

Lindy continued to cry but now they were tears of rage.

"Its fucking arseholes like you that have women like us living
in the Stone-age,seeing us as either virgins or whores you
pathetic little gombeen."

"But but."

"But me arse,I'll have you know that it was sheer boredom
that drove those women out,back to their careers."

"But I thought........."

"Thought is it,you need brains to think.Do you know Andraste
ran her own Camel train before she was brought here and Sam
had two businesses going.Miss Beauty,Miss Clairwil and the
new girl,Miss Stroppy all have their own lives to lead."

"But surely you......?"

"I was asleep when they all left or I'd have gone as well,I've
two books to finish writing,and two more to translate so if
you think I've nothing better to do than hang around and
play the Vestal Virgin for wankers like you then you've got
another think coming,arsehole."

Barney turned and walked slowly away,crossing out the Li he
had written in his book. His head reeling from the lecture,he
sought out the solace of his local,the appropriately named
"Den of Iniquity" where all forms of debauchery were encour-
aged by owner/manager,the notorious XX Major.It was here
that all the outwardly good citizens showed their true colours;
The gentle and wise primate cruelly prodding his human slave
to make him dance for the amusement of his fellow drinkers,
the flame-haired joker who had made his name in family enter-
tainment now regaling all and sundry with the most vile and
disgusting tales of perversion.There was the local doctor who
sated his fetish by licking the feet of leprous women,

"Here try one Barney,its not contagious."As he offered a
scabby foot,its owner grinning lasciviously through cracked
and bleeding lips.

"Maybe later."He made his way to the bar where he joined two
school-teachers who unfortunately for Barney had been there
all day and had just been refused more credit.

"Gis a tenner." Said Brewski,the drunker of the two.

"Go on,gis a tenner ,each ."Said Binty,his companion.

"You'll have to earn it, on your knees." Joked barney and pre-
tended to fumble with his fly.

"Ill give you knees, You dirrrty bastard." As he headbutted
Barney in the face,and Binty joined in by kicking him in the
ear as he went down.

"Get a doctor." Said XX.

"Not him." Said Barney as the fettishist approached.

Another doctor came out of the backroom,where he had been
dallying with what looked like a woad-coloured bearded lady,
but nobody had ever seen such a fur covered bearded lady
before.The doctor lanky,balding and bearded, seemed to float
across to Barney where he felt his pulse,fondled his testacles
and robbed his wallet.

Much sadder and very much wiser,Barney made his way home,

"Fuckin' shower of cunts." He thought as he tried to stop the

"Fire'n'Brimstone,whatever the fuck that is, is too good for
them, the cunts."

Outside his gate, Barney met Kim again.

"What was that list for,Barney ?" When Barney finished expl-
aining the reason,Kim exclaimed,

"You mean God is going to destroy the whole city ?"

Barney nodded.

Kim,aghast, "What a cunt."

Barney reached into his pocket and removing his notebook,
he tore it in bits and threw it in the air.Kim gave him a look
of disgust and said,

"Its litterbugs like you that have this city as bad as it is."

"Thats the least of your problems." Said Barney and went in
to help Malicia pack.

Malicia looks back

Genesis 19:23 KJV
"The sun was risen upon the earth when Barney entered into Zoar. (24)Then the LORD rained upon The Blogoshere brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven; (25) And he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground. (26) But his wife ,Malicia, looked back from behind him, and she became a pillar of salt."

Thursday, April 20, 2006


I was leaving Fairyhouse the other day,in a mild and inoffensive
manner,a little sadder and wiser than I had been three hours
previously.I had left during the second last race to avoid the
traffic and it was very quiet outside except for the Hawkers who
had been facing the crowds as they entered,now had their stalls
turned towards the exits.

"Any apples or pears,mister ?"

"No thanks."

"Ah go on mister,bring 'em home for the youngsters."

"No thanks, sure don't I sell them meself." This usually got me
off the hook but the old crone was persistent.She switched tack.

"Toblerones or chocolate then."

"No thanks."

"Ten for a fiver,take your pick,the last few."

"No,I'm ok.,thanks."

"Don't be so mane,go on, for the kids,ten for a fiver."

"They're sick of chocolate,no thanks." If its one thing kids
don't need more of at Easter,its chocolate.Don't talk to me
about skid-marks.

"Ya grumpy oul' fecker,givvus the fiver anyway."

"Tell you what,come around the back of the stands with me
and earn your fiver."Now this oul' fuck was eighty if she was
a day and could easily have been the foster-mother Mick
Jagger sang about on Jumpin' Jack Flash and I didn't even
think she heard me.Wrong.

"Ya dirty oul' thing,Mary,Mary,did you hear what he said.
Ya dirty thing,ya dirty oul' thing."Her voice got louder
and shriller,

"Mary,did ya hear him,ya dirty oul' thing."

"How much did you say the chocolate was ?"

"I'll sell ya nuthin',ya dirty oul' thing."

I could still hear her giving out as I got into my car,hundreds
of yards away,talk about tail between me legs,I thought out
I'd never get.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Serves me right.

God,the vindictive oul' bitch,got her own back on
me today.

I was tortured and robbed this morning and am feeling very
sorry for myself.

But far worse than the actual extraction was the Dentist telling
me to avoid smoking and alcohol(underlined) for the rest of the
day.So far so good with the smoking but the whiskey tasted funny
through a straw.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

What really happened

His eyelids were stuck,his throat was dry,every bone in his body
ached and his tongue felt like a cow camel's clitoris after a sand-
storm.He had,he thought,the worst hangover in history,the
mother of all hangovers and as the first waves of customary guilt
mixed with feelings of stupidity began to wash over him ,he
remembered with a shock that he hadn't been drinking last

He shuddered as the nightmare that was the last few days came
slowly back to him,the shudders themselves causing even more
pain to his tormented body.Using his fingers he forced first one
eye ,then the other ,blinking painfully as he tried to focus in the
darkness until a dizzy nausea overcame him and he lapsed
into unconsciousness.

When he stirred again he noticed a chink of light but in his
disoriented state he couldn't fathom from whence it came,
floor or ceiling,wall or door.Remembering that he had a prev-
ious appointment he tried to struggle up but found himself to
be wrapped tightly in some kind of sheet.With every strain of
endevour to disengage himself from the sheet,his body re-
belled until he thought he might faint from the pain but he
made one last frantic effort and finally succeeded but in
doing so fell painfully to the ground,his legs still tangled in
the acursed sheet.Breathing heavily,he gingerly freed his legs
and crawled towards the shaft of light.

He felt his strength returning as he discovered what appeared
to be a large bolder blocking the exit to the cave he found him-
self in.And he remembered he was to meet his friends outside
this cave.Counting slowly from 1 to x he took a deep breath,
rolled the bolder aside and jumped outside,

"Ta da.",said Jesus with his arms outsretched theatrically.

The silence that greeted him was equalled only by the lack
of an audience.

"I must be too early," thought Jesus as he slunk back inside,
rolling the bolder closed behind him.He waited until the beam
of light got stronger and changed direction,what seemed like
forever but was probably an hour before readying himself
once more.

"The cunts'll surely be here by now." he thought,rolled back
the rock, jumped outside and

"Ta daaaaaaaaaaaaa ."

Not a fuckin' sinner."Thats fuckin' lovely,that is," as he poked
a bush,"the first,the one and fuckin' only fuckin' LIVE res-
urrection and the cunts can't be bothered turning up.Well
they needn't think I'm going to do it again for them."

He trudged off into town to find them,muttering all the way,

"Ungrateful shower of cunts."

He went to the hall where they used to meet,pray,smoke and
tell dirty jokes but there was nobody about.Deciding that they
must be drowning their sorrows in the pub he went there next.
The owner,carrying kegs out, saw him approach and said,

"Ah Jesus,its yourself,havn't seen you for a few days."

"I was about my father's business,have you seen Peter and
the lads ? "

"Upstairs in the function-room,been there two days,go on up."

Jesus crept up the stairs,the racket getting more raucous the
closer he got to the door.Suddenly the door opened and Peter
tumbled out ,not even seeing his Lord ,cupped his hands and
roared downstairs,

"More wine Inn-keeper,before the women sober up and stop

Horrified Jesus said,

"Peter,my rock,what the fuck is going on "

Trying to focus ,Peter said.

"Who's that," and squinting his eyes ,"Jesus Jesus,its you."

"Jesus Jesus,gettit."He said,collapsing in a fit of giggles.He
staggered to his feet and with tears rolling down his face
hugged Jesus and said,

"Me best friend in the world."He stood back clasped Jesus by
the hand,

"You and me Jesus,You and me,put it there.Jesus,Jesus."
and started laughing once more at his own wit.

"Whats the fuckin' story ?" said Jesus,losing patience and shak-
ing Peter by the sholders.


"What fuckin' party ?"

"Judas came in to some money."

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Captain's Log

The following was found alongside the parchment that
is considered to be a part of the Gospel of St. Judas.


The bleedin' Jews have me heart scalded.What about this and
what are you doing about that ?Now they're on their high horses
about some damned hippy going around preaching love and
saying he's the son of God,as if that was unusual around here. If
I had a piece of silver for every unwashed long-haired layabout
spouting love and other bull-shit I'd have retired back to Rome
years ago.

The Pharisees have lodged a complaint about him causing a
kerfuffle at one of their meetings and now the moneylenders,
two of whom were major contributers to the Mayor's election
fund, are accusing him of being the cause of a 50% drop in bus-

This Jaysus,or whatever his name is , is generally accompanied
by a large rabble ,but in all fairness they have caused us no
problems so far and have been good for business for the hot-
dog and kebab vendors.They keep pretty much to themselves,
camping out in the open and their singing and clapping goes on
well into the night.There have been reports of several ladies of
ill-repute in the entourage but they havn't solicited any locals
as yet.

I'll have to finish this journal at a later date as some of my sol-
diers have just brought in two men suspected of obscene be-
haviour after being caught kissing in the park at Gethsemanee.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Cousin It

Rereading that last post reminded me of all the seamen in my
family including fishermen and a ships cook and also cousin It,
a pilot in one of Ireland's minor Ports.Both in and out of his
presence he is never referred to as anything else because none
of us know what to make of him.In living memory he is the only
member of the Barney clan to have never touched a drink or
cigarette,we don't know where he came from,hes the original
white sheep of the family.

It's father was the Port Pilot and It was a crewmember on the
Pilot's Launch which was used to tender the Pilot to and from
the ships and so was well qualified for the post on the death of
his father.

Came the day a British Cargo approached the harbour and on
boarding,cousin It was met by the captain,who,much to the
amusement of his crew,boomed condesendingly,

"Well Paddy,I hope you know where all the rocks are."

"Begod Captain,I don't."

"What !" spluttered the captain.

"But I know where theres none."

Monday, April 10, 2006

Grand trip

Well what would you do.Parker Dunne came in at lunchtime on
Thursday with free passes on the Jonathan Swift and the keys
to his mate's flat in Liverpool,all buck shee for the weekend.Dr.
Tim and myself volunteered to use the passes so they wouldn't
go to waste and as the sailing was at 4.30 p.m. there wasn't time
to get our own weekend passes,me from Malicia,Tim from his
war-office,as he calls her,but we were sure (at the time) that
they would have given us their blessings.

It had been a few years since my last trip to the Grand National
and although I've never missed it on the telly,there is no sub-
stitute for being there in the flesh.The bodies glistening with
sweat,nostrils flaring,manes swishing this way and that as
their eyes searched out someone to buy their drinks.It was as
if I'd never missed a meeting there as the old question popped
up once more,have these women no fucking mirrors at
home.You'd think it was summer in Marbella we were,such
was the lack of concealing clothes,with more suet and lard than
you'd see in Denny's factory.The bouncer in the night-club told
me they had to change the lighting because the florescent
showing up the dentures on grab-a granny nights was putting
off customers.

We never did find out what it was exactly that Parker did or
was supposed to be doing on the ship but his white shirt with
the little bit of braid never got dirty and we knew he was on duty
because he only drank vodka to our pints the whole way over. I
had figured out that he had some stroke going with the bar-men
and the people in the not-so-dutyfree shop with the exchange
rate because he changed our Euros for Sterling one-for-one
instead of us only getting 66 pence each per Euro.

It so happened that some management from Irish Ferries were
on our trip and asked Parker to explain why the ratio of Sterling
to Euro was only 3% on the Dublin Ferries while on the Cork-
Swansea route the ratio was 16%.Without batting an eyelid
Parker told the accountant

"Transfer me down to the Cork Ferry and I'll sort them out for you."

Thursday, April 06, 2006

'cause their lips are moving.

Isn't it gas looking at the hurt little faces of liars when nobody
believes a word they say anymore. They have become so used
to Gobshites taking everything they say as gospel that they are
shocked to the core on being exposed for the lying cunts that
they are,like little boys caught wanking by their mothers.The
fixed grins on these two yesterday as they tried to present a

united front to the British people yesterday was nothing short
of laughable.That is precisely what we should do,laugh in their
faces whever they open their sleeveen mouths.

Monkey-face Bush can't understand why we're not quaking in
our boots at the idea of Iran possibly trying to cobble together
a couple of Nuky Fireworks,so what.The last time I looked
there had never been any Israeli readers on this blog so my
stats. will survive intact if Iran does manage to level the
playing -field a little.

Then we have the murdering cunts over here who are deeply
hurt that nobody believes them when they deny all knowledge
of the execution of a former member who admitted having been
a British spy for over 20 years.Oh no it wasn't us,as if the idea
never entered their evil,soon-to-be-respectable-politician heads.

How do we know when politicians are lying ? See above.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

He'll never,ever go home again.

I never had much time for Gene Pitney,he was too much of a
girly-type singer for my taste.But to end up dead in Cardiff,
Fuck me,I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

later that day in the Country.

So Larry and meself were having a right oul' chinwag,leaning on
a gate in a mild and inoffensive manner when a Traveller's van
whizzes by,at about 19 m.p.h.They drive this slowly so they can
case houses on both sides of the road,the thieving cunts.

"You'd better keep the Shotgun handy tonight." I said to Larry.

"Sure I've not got one since the cuntsa guards took it off me."

"How the fuck come."

It turns out that Larry heard some voices out the back last
Autumn and when he went outside to investigate he saw two
Travellers looking over his fence.When he challenged them and
asked what they were doing,they told him to mind his own fuck-
ing business.

"I'll show you whats my business.",said Larry and went to get
his shotgun.When he came out again one of the knackers had
disappeared and the other had retreated about 50 yards and
was standing underneath a Chestnut tree shouting abuse and
making gestures at Larry.

Without hesitation Larry loosed off both barrels,which had
contained Eley's finest no.4 s, into the tree above the knacker.
Which is where the second knacker had taken refuge and now
came tumbling down through the branches to land in a heap
at the feet of the other.The other looked at his friend,looked
at Larry and ran off screaming

"He's kilt Mikey,he's kilt Mikey."

Mikey,getting over the shock took to running as well,passing
out his companion before they reached the next ditch.

That night the local Gardai came and confiscated Larry's gun.

"I suppose I should have minded my own fucking business." said Larry.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

A.B.the Philanthropist

Or just nosey do-gooder busybody ?

Fuck me,that Garda shining his torch in my face the other night
must have effected me more than I thought because while you
lot were out guzzling drink,carousing,enjoying yourselves or
getting over the effects of a night out at the Smuggies,I've been
trying to make the world a better place.

Don't just sit there with your mouths open,get over here and see if I can
do anything for you,or if you can help some other poor sod.